How come I end up where I started?

This could go one of two ways...just saying.
It's been a long time since I've sat down and written so much as a goddamn predicate that I don't even feel familiar with the concept of writing things down as they come to me. I always seem to take long breaks from writing in hope to come back to it with something to offer, maybe something worth writing. You can only fall off a horse so many times before you don't want to get back on it. Maybe I just need to not be so hesitant when I start writing. I always trouble myself with the thought of, "who would want to read any of this?" Only to surprise myself with how many people actually ask me why I haven't written anything in a while. Like they've been expecting something from me. First of all, don't expect anything from me. I WILL let you down. Kidding. I just need to clear my head of any outside influence. Because in the end I'm not writing this for you. I'm not even writing this for me. I'm writing this because it's the only thing I can do.

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I've been an insomniac for the better part of two years now and I only have myself to blame for that. But this is different. As late as I've stayed up these last two years I never had any problems actually falling asleep once I layed my head down to rest. I would sleep until three or four in the afternoon if I could. Last night I fell asleep on my bed, laying on my back with my guitar still laying ontop of me (I had my guitar strap on). Needless to say, I was tired. I put my guitar away and laid back down and fell asleep pretty quickly but I woke up roughly every hour for no apparent reason.

I started playing my guitar again recently. I kind of just said, "fuck it" and started playing and started back at the basics. The main reason I was so unmotivated to play was because I didn't have an amp for the longest time, just my Fernandes. Then a girl was kind enough to give me her small practice amp that she had no use for. Granted, it's not the best amp. Okay it sucks. It really sucks and it's the main reason that after I got it and could make some sort of sound out of it, I continued to disregard my guitar because I felt like it wasn't even worth my time to play if I couldn't manipulate this amp to play the way I wanted it to. (#runonsentence) So on that note, I decided to buy an Orange 20 watt practice amp next month once I get my bonus. In the mean time, it's time to practice on this sorry excuse of an amp.

Sticks & Bricks

I've been told by many people that I'm an asshole, and I get it. I know I'm an asshole. I'm at peace with this fact. I embrace my inner-asshole and let it out for air when need be. What gets me is, people always tell me I'm an asshole, not when I'm making fun of them but when I'm tearing someone's ego down with rude remarks. They say I'm an asshole, but they're laughing at the mean things I say. It's like they're laughing because they think I get some sort of pleasure and their laughter is acceptance and they want to be on my good grace, because they know just how condescending and blunt I can be. I feel like Regina George (Rachel McAdams) from Mean Girls with her posse that secretly hates her and wants to bring her down, but they remain loyally by her side at all times reminding her of how pretty and awesome she is, like she even needs to be reminded. She's a cold hearted bitch queen and she knows it. She, on the otherhand feeds off this negative energy that she puts off and loves to watch people squirm beneath her feet. I just can't help the way I am with words. I dig deep for the most hurtful things I could possibly say to people and I have them holstered, ready to rock at the slightest given chance that they double-cross me or make me look like a fool. I'll bring up the fact that they are the way they are because his or her mom walked out on their family to run off with some other guy because his or her father wasn't good enough, and that this reflects how much of a childhood they had.
Too much. This is how I feel though. I feel like most of my friends don't try to piss me off just because they know that if anyone is going to make someone cry because of how many fucked up, hurtful insults he can think of, it's going to be me. And I have a lot of dirt on my friends, which sucks for them.