Apathy is a cold body.

Well it's officially been a week since I've posted anything. Don't worry you didn't miss out on much. I've had the last 3 days off from work so I've been doing a whole lot of sleeping in and getting better acquainted with my couch...you know, just trying to find my true inner self and what not. I guess they call it "soul-searching", but I wasn't searching for anything more than a simple answer. But I don't know what I need answered. I guess maybe the fact that I don't really know what I'm doing with my life. At this stage, not a whole lot. Living week in and week out as if tomorrow will bring a greater joy.

There is no way to make up for these 20 years.

Barely able to keep the lids open.
At times I might think I need the past,
but who would want to go back there?
It's already hard enough to say I need it.
Bad memories and good times...
Keep me from believing that I can still jump off.
No longer the same.
You grow accustomed to seeing the sun in a different location.
Standing still becomes a chore.
Anxious to get the pavement moving.
The easy solution is to leave this and everything else and move on.
But they find ways to drag you along
and dismantle what you created.
Having this is not having to fend for yourself anymore.
Happiness is not having to lie on the floor dead and alone.

Surely there had to be a way to feel okay.

The funeral for Tyler was yesterday at 11:00 A.M. at the Garnand Funeral Home. We showed up pretty much right when it was starting so we didn't even get a seat. We stood in the entranceway and listened to the service from there. The entranceway was actually really full too, so I guess if we were a couple minutes later we might not have fit inside. It was a nice service, they had (what looked like) hundreds of photographs of him up for display taken from his myspace and everyone else's who had a picture with him in it. It didn't feel right though. I couldn't bring myself to believe he was no longer going to be with us, not until we got to the burial at the Syracuse cemetery.
I didn't know what to say to anyone. Nothing seemed normal. I stared at all the faces of people I once knew very well but weren't so familiar anymore. It was awkward but nice at the same time. So many people whom I had so many things to say to, but not a word would flow past my lips. And I thought: It's sad that here, I'm reunited with all the people I used to be really good friends with and I probably wouldn't have talked to any of these people in a long time, and I know they wouldn't have gone out of their way to talk to me, if it weren't for all of us being here because our good friend Tyler died. It's sad that it takes something like this to bring people together because we don't care enough to keep in touch. It's sad that no matter hard you try things will never go back to the way they used to be. It's sad that we forget to tell people how much they mean to us until it's too late, and then you can only hope they knew all along that they meant more to you than what you lead on. It's sad that all I can do is write about this.
This song by Terminal called "Foster" has been stuck in my head all day at work. I couldn't help it and I couldn't get it out of my head. And it's making me sick.