Apathy is a cold body.

Well it's officially been a week since I've posted anything. Don't worry you didn't miss out on much. I've had the last 3 days off from work so I've been doing a whole lot of sleeping in and getting better acquainted with my couch...you know, just trying to find my true inner self and what not. I guess they call it "soul-searching", but I wasn't searching for anything more than a simple answer. But I don't know what I need answered. I guess maybe the fact that I don't really know what I'm doing with my life. At this stage, not a whole lot. Living week in and week out as if tomorrow will bring a greater joy.

There is no way to make up for these 20 years.

Barely able to keep the lids open.
At times I might think I need the past,
but who would want to go back there?
It's already hard enough to say I need it.
Bad memories and good times...
Keep me from believing that I can still jump off.
No longer the same.
You grow accustomed to seeing the sun in a different location.
Standing still becomes a chore.
Anxious to get the pavement moving.
The easy solution is to leave this and everything else and move on.
But they find ways to drag you along
and dismantle what you created.
Having this is not having to fend for yourself anymore.
Happiness is not having to lie on the floor dead and alone.

Surely there had to be a way to feel okay.

The funeral for Tyler was yesterday at 11:00 A.M. at the Garnand Funeral Home. We showed up pretty much right when it was starting so we didn't even get a seat. We stood in the entranceway and listened to the service from there. The entranceway was actually really full too, so I guess if we were a couple minutes later we might not have fit inside. It was a nice service, they had (what looked like) hundreds of photographs of him up for display taken from his myspace and everyone else's who had a picture with him in it. It didn't feel right though. I couldn't bring myself to believe he was no longer going to be with us, not until we got to the burial at the Syracuse cemetery.
I didn't know what to say to anyone. Nothing seemed normal. I stared at all the faces of people I once knew very well but weren't so familiar anymore. It was awkward but nice at the same time. So many people whom I had so many things to say to, but not a word would flow past my lips. And I thought: It's sad that here, I'm reunited with all the people I used to be really good friends with and I probably wouldn't have talked to any of these people in a long time, and I know they wouldn't have gone out of their way to talk to me, if it weren't for all of us being here because our good friend Tyler died. It's sad that it takes something like this to bring people together because we don't care enough to keep in touch. It's sad that no matter hard you try things will never go back to the way they used to be. It's sad that we forget to tell people how much they mean to us until it's too late, and then you can only hope they knew all along that they meant more to you than what you lead on. It's sad that all I can do is write about this.
This song by Terminal called "Foster" has been stuck in my head all day at work. I couldn't help it and I couldn't get it out of my head. And it's making me sick.

Rest in Peace Tyler Villanueva

I'm gonna miss you man. I know I wasn't the best friend you could've had but we go back a long ways. You were always laughing and having a good time, no matter what...you were such a good guy with a good heart. You were always more down than anyone I know. You always had my back even if we weren't the closest friends...but we were close enough. I know I didn't make the effort to see you that often but it wasn't because I had forgotten about you...I've just been caught up in my own shit lately. And I'm sorry for that. I wish I could tell you how much I enjoyed having you as a friend.

This isn't even sinking in right now. This isn't really happening.
I just got off the phone with Jordan Hewes, it was comforting to hear her voice and to hear that she's on the same boat as I am. It's going to be weird with him not around. I guess I'll really feel it at the funeral if I can make it. Fuck that, I'm going to make it. I didn't get a last chance to tell tyler how good of a friend he was to me.

I always seem to regret not telling people how much I care about them. That's my one regret in life so far.

and the view from here is a brick wall.

This morning I awoke from the cushioned coils,
eyes pouring their little hearts.
It didn't feel normal waking here religiously,
thinking the same black thoughts.
As always you weren't lying next to me,
with that smirk on your face right then.
Were you giving me the images constantly flickering?
I'll take the advice passed down.
I see you on your side, bad luck.
Starlit nights I awoke from the cushioned coils,
eyes pouring their little hearts.
It didn't feel normal.
Nightmares stop reality, thinking the same black thoughts.
This is the last time
I'll be confused or compromise my emotions.

loved ones.

Right now I just feel like sometimes I have nowhere to turn to when I just want someone to share the room with. Someone to keep me company. Someone to fucking humor me, for god sakes. Everyone is always doing something with someone else, except for me. I feel stranded without a car. If I had a car I would be any-fucking-where I wanted to be right now. But I don't know exactly where that would be.
That's right. Don't get ahead of yourself big guy.
I'm just sick of people ignoring my texts/phone calls because they know I probably want them to come pick me up, and to do what, hang out?
Puh-leese...I've already got plans.
I guess I'm the only one who's got nothing better to do.
I know there are two people I can pretty much always rely on being there when I need someone to hang out with, but I don't feel like crowding them when they have things to do and shows to watch. Not that they wouldn't want me over, I just don't go over on wednesday cause that's when Lost is on and I haven't gotten that far in the series.
But I guess all my other friends are too busy with other things.
Dylan's got his band practice, Luke's probably watching the KU game with his holcomb buddies, Brian and Madison have Lost, James is at the airport trying out the new italian restuarant...
That's it? That's all you can think of?
Yeah...it's not like anyone else would be remotely interested in watching the KU game with me.
Guess I can just watch the KU game at home tonight.
Probably the best idea anyways.
Yeah, you're probably right.
I'm just a little shaken up right now...I just finished reading Exit Here. by Jason Myers and I don't really know what to think about anything anymore. It was just too fucking real. It made me think so much about my life and the friends I have and how crazy our lives are and how all of it can turn on a dime.
This is exactly what I needed right now.
Sounds like you need a chill pill bro.

common existence.

Thursday's new CD "Common Existence" just came out today and I've been listening to it on repeat as I inch my way closer and closer to finishing the book I'm currently reading, exit here. It's really good and I know it's not like the best book in the world but I'm glued to it when I pick it up. I just can' wait to find out what happens next.
Anyways here's this text that stuck with me after I read it on the inside cover of Thursday's CD.

We hugged.
You asked what was happening
and I didn't tell you we were on death's program
but instead that we were going on a journey,
one more, together, and that you shouldn't be afraid.
When it left, death didn't even close your eyes.
"What are we?" you asked a week or year later,
"Ants, bees, wrong numbers
in the bit rotten soup of chance?"
"We're human beings, my son, almost birds,
public heroes and secrets."

-Roberto Bolano

IN with the OLD

So I was looking through my older posts, as I do from time to time, and I found this and I'm really glad I did because I totally forgot about it. I remember how I felt when I first wrote this and it helped make sense of a lot of things lately.
Hope you enjoy it (if you're reading it for the first time...if you read this, ever.)

[Day one]
Asleep mid-sentence--the words fell apart.
No one is listening anyway.
This day will soon turn to black and
my "wants" and "needs" will spill on my burning ashes.
I learned to be selfish today...I learned to be alive.
These things I care for are for my personal gain
and my personal happiness only.
Why should I sit in your chair and satisfy your standards?
I've done it all before and I've confused myself a thousand times.
The tragic day that I call morality
just doesn't do it for me anymore.
No more choices, just standing in the cold.
The day will turn black and I will have either lived or died.
Asleep mid-sentence--my words fall to the ground.
Swept into this dreamland.
Economic satisfaction; never succeed.
But happiness has its place.
Justice will not lie in your corner.
New day towards death, only compassion
for my own needs make my need necessary.

[Day two]
Throw myself in the corner;
I have nothing to complain about here.
A tragic day seems too peaceful to most,
spoiled ambitions turned my heart to black.
I'm figuring out this realization process--
the process to never look upon bitter ground.
Living dreams, loving dreams...
awakening to what I've always dreamt of.
The familiar sound of the lovely laugh
from the love of my life will keep the notes coming.

Pain--gone.
Rain: stop.
Sun, shine.
You're mine.

Listen through the walls.
The sound of quick footsteps sneaking down the hall.
Whispers!
The pages turning, the leaky roof, the toilet flushing.
Numbers on the license plate.

Your dead things are locked up inside.
Blow smoke rings straight back in time.
Roses floating out with the tide.
Dance and sing under gunfire.
Open wings slowly take flight...

Around these parts a fly can live--
A fly can live a thousand years,
but a man cannot die soon enough...true enough.
A smiling drunk nursing a glass of milk.
A girl with a face like prison bread.
Over the kitchen noise I hear them howl at me.
A scabby ketchup bottle and a two-dollar bill.
I guess its time to pay the bill,
but you know I never will.
I'm hungry still...

Run away.

In this crowded place I could
swing a cat and not even hit a soul...
It's just the lonely vacuum of human black holes
And I'm as dry as these thirsty trees
with big city thoughts in the dirty breeze...
Promising to set me free,
"Waiter, check please."

MUCK FIZZOU

And KU loses to Mizzou 62-60 after being up by 14 points at halftime.
The refs failed to call the foul against Aldrich with 1 second left in the game that would've tied it up because everyone knows Cole Aldrich is a beast from the free-throw line. Mizzou got lucky this time, but we all know it won't matter in the long run.
I'm just having a hard time taking it in.
After we finally get ranked 16 we lose on the road to Mizzou of all teams. I'd rather get blown out by K-State any day...at least they don't really matter.

Well at least the worst is over.

celebrator;devastator

This weekend was a great success for myself and I would like to thank everyone who helped make madison's surprise birthday a big success. I say it was a great success for myself because I pretty much felt like a wedding planner trying to make sure everything was perfect and that everyone was in the same place at the same time.
The plan was to have brian take madison to a movie while I snuck in through the side door to clean the place up (because believe me, it wasn't pretty...sorry madison) and decorate a little bit, which basically consisted of having those who showed up early help blow up ballons and vigorously rubbing them on derek's hair to create static electricity and making them stick to the ceiling (I know, we're cheap but we had to improvise). I also had jay make a big sign that everyone signed as they came. Brian's dad brought over a cake he made for madison, what a sweet guy.
By the time they got there we shut the lights off and hid and surprised the shit out of her. I'm pretty sure she had no idea even though she says she thought we were going to do something. I just feel good about the whole thing. We've never celebrated madison's birthday with a bash so I think it was about damn time. Everyone that I've talked to since then said they had a really good time and that I did a good job of planning it so I feel really good about that and I'm just glad everyone had a good time cause I sure as hell did.
Nothing else to really talk about today. Work is always the same. My friends are who they have been. I've received many compliments on my new brand new shirt (that just sounds weird). I'm gonna go eat a really old hot pocket now.