Lawrence Primal World

I suppose since it's been almost a year since I've posted an entry I could at least attempt to recap this last year.

I am still working at Walmart, though I grow weary of this establishment and the way it treats its employees, particularly myself. I've began the job-hunting process, though it is quite tedious and I am not one that is eager to seek employment elsewhere. Not that I wouldn't like to work some place else, I just hate change I guess. It's a terrible feeling knowing that you've become accustomed to being treated like shit but are still unwilling to do much about it. But I will, soon enough.
I live with Jon Urban as opposed to Brian and Madison. They were great roommates and much better at decorating their home than Jon and I. I guess it helps to have that feminine touch. I miss seeing them all the time but Jon's a pretty fun guy to be around unless he's black-out drunk, which, just so happens to be, most of the time. We live about a block north of the football stadium which is ideal if you're into that sort of thing. I really love the neighborhood we live in though. It's almost suburban in a way. Very quiet during the day time. Quiet and quaint. But then there's about a hundred drunk college students roaming the streets on the weekends. It's rather annoying at times. I guess I can't complain as I am usually one of them.
I still haven't been in a relationship since moving to Lawrence. I'm not quite sure that there's a reason for that. I just haven't really made a huge effort to meet girls other than the ones I meet through Jon. He usually meets girls that are whores though. It's like he's a slut-magnet. I have met a few nice girls, but none that really take notice in me as anything other than Jon Urban's friend/roommate. I guess I have myself to blame for that. So the search continues. It's hard to stand out in a town where you're surrounded by thousands of people your age who are probably a better version of you. I'm a pretty outgoing guy but shy in comparison to anything Jon can pull off, I sometimes end up being his shadow.
More of my friends are turning 21 by the day, it's nice to be able to be able to invite them out to the bars and all that. Nothing's really changed though. It's always still the same few friends going to the bars getting drunk and not remembering any of it.
Our drinking habits haven't changed much. Still drinking too much. Still hanging out at the same people's parties. Still doing the same old things we've done before. But I still love every moment of it.
I've made some pretty good friends here in Lawrence. Some pretty good acquaintances too. The friends I've made are a lot of fun to be around. They're all single for the most part so that's nice too. The majority of my friends from Garden City that live here are in serious relationships so they generally do what people in serious relationships do. And that's fine. I'm happy for them, I really am. I love them all very much. It's just hard to really go out and be crazy with people who have a second opinion. That little voice of reasoning. That just sounds negative and it's not. It's actually probably a really good thing because I often find myself in situations I'd rather not be in. It's just nice to be good friends with single guys who are always down to do the things that single guys do.
I guess I've found out a lot about myself in this year than I thought I would. I can tell that I've grown up a lot. I guess I've gone through a lot in the last year. It never really occurred to me until just now. It's like the last year just flashed before my eyes. It's easy to forget about the little things in life. I've grown but I'm still the same mess I was before. Maybe that's not progress but it definitely isn't regress.
I still feel like I'm searching for something though. Maybe I just need to be back in school because that's about the only thing that everyone else seems to be doing that I am not. I want to go back, I've wanted to for quite some time. It never made much sense to leave college for two years in the first place. Maybe I was just using that as an excuse because I didn't want to grow up.

give thanks

Today as I was working, going about my normal work ruitine, I started thinking about what I was thankful for this year. I couldn't really focus on work because I was trying so hard to think of all things I would like to give thanks for, knowing that it would come up at some point or another on thanksgiving day. Here's what I can remember, and a few things I'll probably come up with off the top of my head.

-I'm thankful to finally be living in Lawrence and to be out on my own with my two friends, Brian and Madison. Though I'm sure they get sick of me at times, I cannot thank them enough for letting me move in with them and getting the hell out of Garden City.
-I'm thankful for all the support I've received from my family since I moved to Lawrence. I was broke and jobless for 2 months and they helped me pay my bills when they could have easily just let me fail. I cannot thank them enough for helping me out through those tough times.
-I'm thankful that I finally have a job even though it's not one that I like in the least. I could have lost my place in Lawrence if I could not pay my bills and be sitting back home in Garden City if I had not found this job when I did.
-I'm thankful for all the support that my friends have given me due to the fact that I am broke most of the time. They still take me under their wing and take me out and buy me food, drinks, concert/football tickets and gave me rides everywhere when I didn't have my car yet, among other things. I seriously appreciate you guys so much because that's something that you did out of your own kindness and not because you felt obliged to, because no one is obliged to buy things for their friends week after week.
-I'm thankful for all the wonderful friends I've made since I moved to lawrence. Also to be reunited with a lot of old friends from Garden City. They are all really great and a lot of fun to be around. I'm thankful for all the good times we've had together. If any of you read this (which I doubt), you are amazing.
-I'm thankful that I finally got my car and my license back, though my license reinstatement was for 30 days and I failed to go take my drivers test again so it is now suspended again. I need to take care of that.
-I'm thankful that I finally got to see Todd Reesing and co. in action at Memorial Stadium. It had been my dream that once I moved here I would get season tickets and watch every game. Though I did not get season tickets I had friends that helped me get into practically every home game for free or for very cheap. And though the season has not been what I had hoped for this year, I'm still very greatful that I got to see them in their last year at KU.
-I'm thankful for every concert I've been able to see since I've moved here. A lot of times I didn't think I would be able to go but I somehow pulled enough money together or my friends helped me out.
-I'm thankful that I do not work at Tyson anymore. Even though the money was good, I hated that place and I'm glad I'll never have to go back.
-I'm thankful that I finally have my own computer. It's a really nice computer and I love it.
-I'm thankful to still be alive. God knows there's been some close calls and I can't really even begin to state how thankful I am to still have air in my lungs.
-I'm for the time that I've spent being extremely broke. It's been a humbling experiencee that I won't ever forget. It's a daily reminder to be thankful for things that we would normally take for granted on a daily basis, like a decent meal. I've always been a picky eater but not being able to afford your basic needs really made me stretch my comfort zone and resort to eating eggs and ramen noodles for 2 months.

I think that'll be enough for now.
Thanks for reading.

kissing with open eyes

Don't know why I've stopped writing.
I'm on the computer when I'm not at work.
I always said told myself that if I had a computer in my room, I would write all the time and that I would probably attempt to write my masterpiece.
But I never did.
Don't know why.
Guess I must have just realized that I couldn't write a novel if I tried.
Anything less than that just seems trite.
Normal, everyday thoughts and the like,
Short stories about people I know or things I've done,
And things I've made up just for fun.
At the moment I just thought about why people close their eyes when they kiss.
I'm sure it's not that they don't like looking at their partner.
But they say it's creepy when you do.
Is it creepy when someone gets really close to your face and closes their eyes?
Yes.
They're probably taking a good whiff of the scent you put off.
So then, it's creepy if you close your eyes and get close to someone, and if you don't close your eyes when you kiss someone.
Fair enough.
What are people thinking about when they kiss, if not the person before them?
Don't ask me.

Are they even thinking about kissing someone?
I just don't know why you close your eyes when you kiss they way you do when you sneeze.
Your eyes aren't going to pop out of your head if you do, by the way.
Could it be instinct?
It would be awakard if both parties involved would lock eyes as they locked lips for an extended period of time.
Staring into their eyes, their souls.
Really getting inside them using your eyes and not your dick.
But of course you could use tongue for either.
I just don't know why.
It's just one of the many things we've been accustomed to see and therefore do.
When you kiss you both go to your happy together.
A place where trees glow yellow and red in the sun's reflection and Miley Cyrus' "Party in the U.S.A." isn't stuck in your head from getting constant radio play.
In fact there is no radio, because there is no need.
You have every album you could ever imagine and in mint condition.
Your favorite record is playing.

You're alone, but you're both in this together.
It's perfect in every way that a dream is.
It doesn't exist and you don't want to open your eyes.
Then both come to and pull apart.
Smiling, of course, because you see them once again.
Thinking to yourself how good its been; placing your finger on their chin.
And then it's back to reality.
A sad reality where you are no longer kissing them anymore.
Unless the kiss meant nothing.
Then, you were probably thinking about something else.
Perhaps the thought of unbuttoning their pants.
Saying something to the nature of, "I wanna fuck you so bad right now."
Hands ruffling hair; hands everywhere.
You can never have enough hands.
Lifting them onto a counter or the sink in the bathroom at a crowded party.
Then opening your eyes when it's all over.
And you're right back where you were, kissing a stranger like you owe them something.
Like you love them.
You don't, and you're quite aware.
But it doesn't matter at this point.
What done is done.
And at that point you realize,
A kiss can mean everything; a kiss can mean nothing.

So this is what it all comes down to.
This, based solely on our ambiguity.
The boundaries that we've created
to keep ourselves in and keep the world out.
Cross the line and I'll show you the meaning of dismemberment.
This life has been taken by storm
and rescued by a sinking ship.

delusions of grandeur

To be that man who was once known
as a better man than the one who is shown.
The one whose presence could move a dying wind
simply by sitting there with that godawful grin.
His soothing voice hit the soft spot in your ear,
like a the shining light through a window, so clear.
He was the man of your dreams, but why did you stall?
And now he's gone forever, you must recall.
He's in the past and surely will be forgotten,
as he makes his way to such a lonely bottom.
His head was a faucet leaking love, laughter and lies.
All his secret wishes; all his world famous sighs.
So come down from those tired clouds,
get back on your feet and put your head in the ground.

Mixed feelings. What to make of them? The story so far is anything but glamerous, but I have been enjoying myself here in Lawrence. I absolutely love it here. The enviornment, the people, the college, the sports, the bars, the girls. All of it. It's a great place to be.
Like I said it's been anything but glamerous because I've no means of income thus far and have been scraping by only by the grace of my parents who have been very supportive since they day I left home. I'm quite surprised--in a good way--that they are making the effort to help me out when I know they don't have much to give.
I missed the big extravaganza of a concert on Friday. It was Blink-182, Weezer, Taking Back Sunday and many other bands, but those were the main bands listed on the bill. It was pretty much an all day festival that started around 2, so everyone was gone by 1 P.M. Literally everyone I knew in the area was there except for me, so I had nothing to do that day and no one to hang out with. I sat at home all day. Downloaded some albums. Cooked a decent meal. Watched George Lopez. Called it a day. I didn't even go out when everyone got home. I'm not really too upset that I missed it. I was never a huge Blink-182 fan and I had just seen Taking Back Sunday this summer.
I went to the KU football season-opener against Northern Colorado on Saturday. It wasn't 'til 6 P.M. so we had all afternoon to get drunk, and did a damn good job of it. I'll admit I didn't so much like going to the game trashed. It was still good but I just wasn't there like I should have been. I'll definitely drink before the games still, just not as much. It was ridiculous though. The game was declared a sell-out a few days before gameday. The stadium holds 50,071 people and there was a record setting 52,350 people there. Most attended game in school history, pretty crazy to be a part of that. The game was a blow-out--though not the way the coaching staff envisioned it, I'm sure--with the Jayhawks coming out at the half with a 28-0 lead, for a final score of 49-3. After the game I went home, drunk and tired. I just didn't have it in me to keep partying even though it was a Saturday night.
I'm looking forward to going to see Every Time I Die w/Bring Me The Horizon, Oh, Sleeper and Architects (UK) on Thursdsay in Kansas City. It's gonna be at the Beaumont, which I like because you can smoke inside. I'm going to the show with Kelli Karlin--Rachel's younger sister--which is random as just about anything you could possibly think of. I posted something on Facebook seeing if anyone wanted to go for the umptenth time and finally she responded to it and--to my surprise--wanted to go to the show.
Ashton will be there as well, so I'm excited to see her too. I haven't see her since...prom? Wow. Has it really been two years? Fuck...I hate realizing how fast time flies.
Well anyways, that is that and that is all. I'm still unemployed and will be broke again after I go to this show but it will be well worth it.

3:10 to you, ma.

I had the craziest dream just now. I can't go back to sleep until I get this one out, or, at least, what's left of this vivid dream. And I mean vivid. So it should be fresh in my memory.
It started out with me and Russel Crowe in 3:10 to Yuma in what appeared to be a public area. We were at the bottom of a set of concrete stairs that seemed to lead to a train station. We seemed to be partners in crime, as he was describing our next big move with his back turned to me. He was kneeling down, putting his guns in a briefcase but before he could finish I pull my gun on him. The click of the barrel stops him dead in his tracks and he turns to look at me over his shoulder. "Do you really think you have what it takes to kill your own partner?" Without hesitation I pulled the trigger but I was out of ammunition. I quickly reach for his gun and gain possesion of it, he stares straight down the barrel without flinching. I was unsure of how to use his gun. Before I could react he slapped the side of the gun, hitting the magazine release button. The magazine hit the floor and he took off running. I chased after him and shot him in the leg, severly wounding him, but not enough to slow him down.
He left his briefcase full of weapons but I didn't care for any of his weapons, I just wanted this beautiful glass pipe that was inside of it. As I took it from the briefcase I heard a woman's voice yelling, "Don't hurt him! Don't hurt him!"
"Shit, it's my mom," was all I could think. I ran back down the stairs but the common area somehow shape-shifted itself into an exact replica of my old room. [Except the room was set up how it was when I was really young and had to share a room with my sister because our house wasn't finished yet. There was two twin-sized beds instead of my one full-sized bed.]
I quickly went to hide my guns and things under my bed and my mom walked down the stairs as I layed down on my bed. She started walking about the room picking up my dirty clothes scattered throughout and she made her way over to my bed. She knew I was up to something. She immediately searched under my bed and found nothing but dirty magazines [that I never really had to begin with], took them, and went on her way.
I must have taken a nap because I was awakened by noises coming from outside the walls of my bedroom. I looked up at my window and saw the silhouette of a man glaring right through the shades. He poked his head in, turned to me and locked eyes. While he climbed through my window, another man walked in through the front door and into my room.
I was scared shitless because I knew what this man was capable of and it didn't help that he went this far to deliver a message; strictly revenge. I asked him what they did to my mother and they began laughing histarically. They seemed amused by the fact that I would even bring that up.
"You're mother isn't home to save you, I'm sorry."
"Where did you guys take her?" I replied.
"What are you talking about, you moron? She wasn't here when we got here."
I got up out of bed and walked to my front door to check for myself. There was no sign of her vehicle. I thought, "Where the hell could she be?" I checked the time, it was 7:08 P.M. It was a Wednesday. She was at church, of course. I walked back into my room and there were several people gathered round, but this time there was also a few familiar faces. Luke Knoll, Trevino, Ed Ruiz and Jordan Ottoway were there. I tried to gain their friendship back by asking them to please help me out. I offered to give them the pipe that they came for.
"Hahaha well we're gonna kick your ass either way dude," Luke Knoll responded, but in a way that only those who know Luke and his sense of humor, when under the influence, would understand.
Jon Urban showed up to my house and played a very neutral role. He knew I was in trouble but he knew there was nothing he could do. Before I knew it, there were more and more people coming over, apparently to party at my house. I didn't invite any of these people but I couldn't really object. I figured if anything they would buy me some time to figure out how I was going to survive this hit.
It wasn't too long before the people partying in my house started to get progressively drunker. I walked around my house watching everyone to make sure everything was okay. I was a prisoner in my own home. I walked toward my room again and saw a fight break out in the bathroom, and then in my parents' room and everyone soon emptied out of my house. The mob of bad guys exited with them.
It was only me and Jon Urban left at my house. Relieved, I turned on the TV only to hear someone pull up to my house. They drove an old Econline van, much like one that my dad used to drive. As he walked up to the door I recognized his face. It was the soccer player that dated Amalee Dykes a little over a year ago. His face was all beat up and he was wearing a trench coat to keep dry from all the rain.
"Holy shit, look who it is...come in dude, come in!"
"What's up guys? You wouldn't happen to know where to get any weed would you?" he asked.
"Haha nah man, I totally just pissed off anyone who would possibly know where to get any," I replied.
He went on his way and we went back to watching TV.
"Wanna go to the mall?" Jon asked, I couldn't really think of anything else to do to kill some time so we went. We got separated as soon as we got there. I headed toward Pacsun to check out their clothes even though I hate their clothes and would never buy any of them. Jon came from the completely opposite side of the mall, I was confused but not alarmed. Pacsun was at the heart of the mall, there were no doors to it, just entrance after entrance after entrance from every which way. The clerk asked if we needed any help.
"Nothing, I want nothing," we both replied in unisin like something strange out of Fear and Loathing meets Alice in Wonderland. We walked through the store and exited out the other end, which led to the other half of the mall.
We walked into a place where they sold smoothies and I walked straight to the back and helped myself to a strawberry smoothie. The manager walked up to me and took it from my hands and asked me why I was late. I was really confused and began to make my way out and things started to become a strange hallucination. Crazy people were running around and falling into manholes that did not exist minutes prior to that. The manholes took them through the world and dropped them back on it right next to the manhole they fell in.
I fell in and all went black.
I woke up from this dream to the sound of someone knocking on the door. I ran to the door, still somewhat drunk from last night and opened it, only to find that it wasn't someone knocking. It was the massive thunderstorm that was pouring down on us early in the morning.

anything but the truth.

Shake it out. That's what I'll do, just shake it out. This feeling. This want. This urge. This nothingness inside of me. But it's gotta be something. It's gotta mean something. It would mean the world to me if I could just find the words to get it out. Shake it out. Spit it out already.
What would you do to take it all back? Start over. Chapter one, page one. Writer's block, already? But you've just begun. This is the moment you've been dying for. This is your chance to throw it all away. Everything you've ever worked for; every mistake you've ever made.
This isn't about you and me.
This isn't about being right or wrong.
This is about living with the choices you make.
This is about the time I couldn't make up for what I did.
This is about a time.
It's about time we established a connection. I'm glad we're on the same page, but I'm afraid we haven't yet started writing the first chapter.
The audience is patient but they can only wait for so long.
Patience is a virtue I do not posess.
Scribbling furiously. This pen must make haste for I have a story to tell, and I'll tell it well.
I'll tell all of a boy whose heart was good. He understood right from wrong but still would rather sing a song than to sit and talk such foolishness. He made his parents proud for in him they found a blessing. They were understanding of this boy whose heart was filled with joy and knew better than to second-guess him. A good, young Christian boy was simply his cover up, a mere decoy. They soon found out he was not this boy they had envisioned. Their hearts were crushed by this head-on collision. They said he'd fail in a life without God and that he'd be a wreck. But he grew tired of this facade and left the restaurant without paying his check. He went along singing songs and moved on with every intention to prove them wrong. He thought he would be better off so he simply laughed and scoffed, but he should have seen this coming. He lost his all; he lost it friends. He lost his way, death was the end. His family gathered at his grave site. They exchanged words, "It'll be all right."
And so you have it. You haven't changed a thing.
You started where you left off because you love to sing.
You sang all day to block the noise coming from little girls and boys.
You sang all day because there is no wrong way to sing a song if no one knows it anyway.
You sang all day because anything sounded better than the truth.
Give me anything but the truth.

lying, tangled tongues.

The words you tried so hard to say
Crumpled as you wrote them down.
Honesty without the modesty.
A single word could end it all.
The request and the response.
But you've rolled your tongue up in a lie;
Forever caged behind your teeth.
What was that you tried to say?
Spit it out, the venom will only sting momentarily.
Let this be a reminder for the remainder of time.
I should've known not to trust you, snake.
Like Adam, I fell for the oldest trick in the (Good) book.
The heavens opened up and we were refused.
And now I must live this lie with you.

we're going to hell.

It's been a good month since I've even visited my blog.

Now here I am--one month later. One month wiser, older, darker, fatter, etc...
The point is I'm here, the question is why?

...And they're off.
And they were moving so fast.
So fast--but they didn't think to stop.
You can't stop this from happening.
Sit back and watch, your friends are going straight to hell.
(No corner stores, no rest stops)
They didn't think that the wind would catch their drift and sweep them under the bed like the photographs that tell the stories you wish you would forget.
You waited too long to sing the song of salvation.
Now we sing the song of separation,
And they will live with their regrets.


I had a dream earlier today while I napped.
I layed on the couch and I was woken by my mother, who seemed to be alarmed by something. The television aired a college baseball regional game. I sat up and tried to recall this dream I just had about my friends going to hell. It was so vivid and real. I never felt more worried for the lives of my friends in my life. And I thought, why do I worry for them so? I'll worry myself to death at the rate I'm going. And then I thought, isn't it weird that I'm not always this worried about my friends? I know not everyone cares this much about other people at all times and it worries me that they don't.
Take some time to let people know how much you care about them, you never know when it'll be too late to save them from themselves.