on letting go.

It's weird how sometimes you just can't let go. The memories you just can't shake, the ones you will probably remember until it drives you up a fucking wall trying to forget. The good times. The bad times. I find myself caught in this web of memories, wrapped up in what it used to be. What used to be my life. Who I used to be. Who my friends were. The way things were. It doesn't help that my photographic memory paints every picture so clear for me to replay over and over like a movie that never gets old. It doesn't help that I have at least 7 hours a day to kill at work to live inside these memories. Not that I'm not content with the way things are now. Things will just never be the way they used to. I guess you could say I'm not a fan of change. Never have been. Probably never will. I like my comfort zone to remain the same unless some changes need to be made.
Some memories I would like to forget, but if I did then I would be forgetting who I am and what is that brings me to where I am today.

Sew this up with threads of reason and regret so I will not forget.
I will not forget how this felt one year, six months ago.
I know I cannot forget.
I cannot forget.

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do.
Follow me there, a beautiful somewhere.
A place that I can share with you.

I can tell that you don't know me anymore.
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget.
And being on this road is anything but sure.
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget.

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do.
Follow me there, a beautiful somewhere.
A place that I can share with you.

So many nights, legs tangled tight.
Wrap me up in a dream with you.
Close up these eyes, try not to cry.
All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you.

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do.
Follow me there, a beautiful somewhere.
A place that we can share.
Falling into memories of you and things we used to do.

So I've been sick for the past couple of days...definitely not fun. I'm on some hardcore amoxicillin and hydrocodeine so I'm feel a little down and out.
I've realized I've been listening to copeland a lot more again lately...don't know what brought that up. I used to listen to them all the time like sophomore year when there was a certain someone I had fallen for. It reminded me of the time we shared. That's definitely not the case now. Oh well. Pointless observations.
KU won again last night! Go Jayhawks! That puts them at 14-4, not too shabby!
God, I cannot wait for college football to start already...

always for you

In the air I flew,
through the clouds I fall,
through the country I've walked,
tn front of temples I've stood,
before the ocean I pray...and I said your name.

In the air I flew,
through the clouds I fall.
And all the things I've tried to say
were never easy to explain.
They were always meant for you.

And all the memories that were made.
For years and years I've chased this day.
They were always for you.

In the air I breath,
through the clouds I see,
through the cities I've walked,
in the castles I dreamed,
on the mountain I climbed when I called your name.

In the air I flew,
through the clouds I fell,
and all the things I've tried to change
were never easy to contain.
They were always meant for you.

And all the memories will never fade.
For years and years in my heart you'll stay.
It was always for you.

And all the pieces that remain,
they will build a place for us to stay.
They were always meant for you.

And all the chances that we take.
For years and years we'll have this place.
It was always for you.
Always for you.

hard candy.

So it's hard for me to admit I'm wrong, to admit guilt, and to admit defeat. Those three things I cannot do with ease. My whole life, it's just been that way for some reason.
I didn't just have some big epiphany or anything, I've known this for a while.
And now...it's hard for me to admit that I'm admitting to all three at once.
I admit was wrong about someone. Very wrong. I thought you were someone you're obviosuly not. And I'm sure everyone else thought likewise...not that they had any reason not to. You made everyone believe your lies, including yourself.
I admit I feel guilty for what I did. Not that you wouldn't have done it, but I just didn't want it to be this way. It really wasn't a big deal, or so I thought, at the time. You really got inside my head and I don't know how.
I admit defeat because it looks like you turned the tables on me and now I've fallen for this bear trap hidden behind the rose bushes. You can go ahead and let me go know.

I swear indifference will be the end of me.

when what you get is just that.

together in our finest moments; forever apart.
what have we left but to be left alone?
don't you know that a dead man gets no last wish?
that to have hope would only end in disappointment.
still he wished he felt alive.
in his last days he wrote a letter.
a letter that would never be sent; she would never know.
she waited, but he never came.
and on her gravestone, engraved:

"You promised me the world and all I got was half a block."

The holiday season is coming to a close and I've yet to update on all the buzz.

Christmas was really cool this year...probably the best christmas I've had. I got a really nice KU hoodie from brian, 3 xbox 360 games from madison, james, and kacee, choke by chuck palahniuk (madison got a copy from her sister but she gave me a copy since she already had owned it), mewithoutYou - "Catch For Us The Foxes" on vinyl from brian, tropic thunder also from madison, KU gym shorts from dylan...I think I might be forgetting something...but anyways they were all awesome gifts!
We opened up presents around 11ish...as soon as they forced me to get up from my comatose sleep. Madison made biscuits & gravy, which was pretty delish, and then we went to brian's dad's and they opened up presents over there.
My parents still aren't back from their trip yet, which kind of worries me because they said they were leaving saturday night and that would mean they probably stopped in Juarez to spend the day with my aunt's family. But still, it's tuesday now...and my mom's phone is shut off. So hopefully they're okay and didn't get in some terrible wreck somewhere.
Well tomorrow is KU's bowl game vs. Minnesota, pretty stoked about that and I will most def be sporting my new hoodie (like I haven't been since I got it).
Hope everything is well for everyone.
Happy holidays.

I wish 2-day meant today.

Christmas is just around the corner and everyone will be home this weekend, well everyone except my entire family. They left this morning to spend christmas with my grandma/grandpa/uncles/aunts/cousins/nieces/nephews/whoever else they feel like spending it with besides me. That's okay though, I'd rather stay here anyways because I'd much rather spend christmas with people that want to see me. Wonder what I've been doing in preparation? Finishing up my christmas shopping (still), fighting with amazon.com because I ordered like 10 things that aren't here yet (and they should have been 3 days ago because I payed for 2-day delivery), wrapping the few presents I've purchased locally (and the few that I ordered many weeks ago because I already knew what I was getting, none if this last-minute overnight delivery nonsense) and ordering more things via amazon.com (overnight delivery...I know, stop it).
It's a stressful time in my book, I just want to make sure I get everyone something who means something to me. Although my checkbook might not allow for some extraordinary gifts (because of the number of people I'm buying things for), it's the thought that counts assholes.
I just really want everyone to have a good christmas and receive as many gifts as possible and I'm feeling very generous this year...that's quite odd. I never really buy more than two or three people gifts each year, but this year's different. I don't know how it is, it just is.
So if I know you and you mean something to me, you'll be receiving a gift this year...but don't get too used to it.

Now, back to e-mailing amazon.com about my tracking my GODDAMN orders.
Ho, ho, ho bitches.

Can't shake this polaroid.

I keep having these dreams and I don't know for what reasons exactly. They're not reoccurring dreams it just pretty much revolves around the same theme/person. None are identical, though similar in thought...and they all end the same way.
I wake up obviously not in the best mood because it fucks with my head so much that this is happening now, several months later. I just cant shake that feeling. As much as I would like to forget, I like to think about it when it does come up in my mind. Like I secretly want to remember everything that I'm trying forget. Kind of a flip on eternal sunshine of the spotless mind I guess you could say. I forget things in real life and then remember them in my dreams. Not just this, I do that with a lot of things.
While I was in mexico over christmas break during my freshmen year I had the same dream that I would lose or forget my class schedule and that I would be lost the entire day for 4 nights straight. Wall clocks were jumping out at me and buzzing indicating my tardiness. Teachers towering over me would ask if I was lost. I would say no because I kind of had a good idea of what my schedule was, even in my dreams. I guess this was just a big exaggeration of the fact that I would have to pay for a new schedule upon returning if I didn't bring it with me. And sure enough, I forgot it on the first day of school and I had to buy a new schedule.

Another weekend has come and gone and I have to wake up so fucking early tomorrow.
It was different from most weekends in a way...we didn't do anything really crazy but I had fun. We played monopoly at Brian's dad's house with Brittany, Billy, Robert and Richard. We went back to Brian/Madison's around 12 and stayed up drinking and talking til the sun came up Saturday night/Sunday morning. It was just another one of those nights. The kind of nights you just stay up talking because you don't want the night to end or because you just enjoy sharing someone else's company. Brian actually stayed up with Madison and myself this time so that was cool because usually it's just me and Madison. Richard and Robert also stayed the night but they crashed in the spare bedroom.
Woke up to Brian cleaning around 11:30...so didn't sleep much. Brittany, Billy and Brian's dad came by for the Broncos game, which they won by the way! So that was good...it's not pretty when Denver loses in the presence of the Mizells.
Hate to cut this off but I'm going to bed...
Love life.

p.s. I really like Thrice's "Image of the Invisible" song/video.
check it out.