Today as I was working, going about my normal work ruitine, I started thinking about what I was thankful for this year. I couldn't really focus on work because I was trying so hard to think of all things I would like to give thanks for, knowing that it would come up at some point or another on thanksgiving day. Here's what I can remember, and a few things I'll probably come up with off the top of my head.
-I'm thankful to finally be living in Lawrence and to be out on my own with my two friends, Brian and Madison. Though I'm sure they get sick of me at times, I cannot thank them enough for letting me move in with them and getting the hell out of Garden City.
-I'm thankful for all the support I've received from my family since I moved to Lawrence. I was broke and jobless for 2 months and they helped me pay my bills when they could have easily just let me fail. I cannot thank them enough for helping me out through those tough times.
-I'm thankful that I finally have a job even though it's not one that I like in the least. I could have lost my place in Lawrence if I could not pay my bills and be sitting back home in Garden City if I had not found this job when I did.
-I'm thankful for all the support that my friends have given me due to the fact that I am broke most of the time. They still take me under their wing and take me out and buy me food, drinks, concert/football tickets and gave me rides everywhere when I didn't have my car yet, among other things. I seriously appreciate you guys so much because that's something that you did out of your own kindness and not because you felt obliged to, because no one is obliged to buy things for their friends week after week.
-I'm thankful for all the wonderful friends I've made since I moved to lawrence. Also to be reunited with a lot of old friends from Garden City. They are all really great and a lot of fun to be around. I'm thankful for all the good times we've had together. If any of you read this (which I doubt), you are amazing.
-I'm thankful that I finally got my car and my license back, though my license reinstatement was for 30 days and I failed to go take my drivers test again so it is now suspended again. I need to take care of that.
-I'm thankful that I finally got to see Todd Reesing and co. in action at Memorial Stadium. It had been my dream that once I moved here I would get season tickets and watch every game. Though I did not get season tickets I had friends that helped me get into practically every home game for free or for very cheap. And though the season has not been what I had hoped for this year, I'm still very greatful that I got to see them in their last year at KU.
-I'm thankful for every concert I've been able to see since I've moved here. A lot of times I didn't think I would be able to go but I somehow pulled enough money together or my friends helped me out.
-I'm thankful that I do not work at Tyson anymore. Even though the money was good, I hated that place and I'm glad I'll never have to go back.
-I'm thankful that I finally have my own computer. It's a really nice computer and I love it.
-I'm thankful to still be alive. God knows there's been some close calls and I can't really even begin to state how thankful I am to still have air in my lungs.
-I'm for the time that I've spent being extremely broke. It's been a humbling experiencee that I won't ever forget. It's a daily reminder to be thankful for things that we would normally take for granted on a daily basis, like a decent meal. I've always been a picky eater but not being able to afford your basic needs really made me stretch my comfort zone and resort to eating eggs and ramen noodles for 2 months.
I think that'll be enough for now.
Thanks for reading.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
kissing with open eyes
Don't know why I've stopped writing.
I'm on the computer when I'm not at work.
I always said told myself that if I had a computer in my room, I would write all the time and that I would probably attempt to write my masterpiece.
But I never did.
Don't know why.
Guess I must have just realized that I couldn't write a novel if I tried.
Anything less than that just seems trite.
Normal, everyday thoughts and the like,
Short stories about people I know or things I've done,
And things I've made up just for fun.
At the moment I just thought about why people close their eyes when they kiss.
I'm sure it's not that they don't like looking at their partner.
But they say it's creepy when you do.
Is it creepy when someone gets really close to your face and closes their eyes?
Yes.
They're probably taking a good whiff of the scent you put off.
So then, it's creepy if you close your eyes and get close to someone, and if you don't close your eyes when you kiss someone.
Fair enough.
What are people thinking about when they kiss, if not the person before them?
Don't ask me.
Are they even thinking about kissing someone?
I just don't know why you close your eyes when you kiss they way you do when you sneeze.
Your eyes aren't going to pop out of your head if you do, by the way.
Could it be instinct?
It would be awakard if both parties involved would lock eyes as they locked lips for an extended period of time.
Staring into their eyes, their souls.
Really getting inside them using your eyes and not your dick.
But of course you could use tongue for either.
I just don't know why.
It's just one of the many things we've been accustomed to see and therefore do.
When you kiss you both go to your happy together.
A place where trees glow yellow and red in the sun's reflection and Miley Cyrus' "Party in the U.S.A." isn't stuck in your head from getting constant radio play.
In fact there is no radio, because there is no need.
You have every album you could ever imagine and in mint condition.
Your favorite record is playing.
You're alone, but you're both in this together.
It's perfect in every way that a dream is.
It doesn't exist and you don't want to open your eyes.
Then both come to and pull apart.
Smiling, of course, because you see them once again.
Thinking to yourself how good its been; placing your finger on their chin.
And then it's back to reality.
A sad reality where you are no longer kissing them anymore.
Unless the kiss meant nothing.
Then, you were probably thinking about something else.
Perhaps the thought of unbuttoning their pants.
Saying something to the nature of, "I wanna fuck you so bad right now."
Hands ruffling hair; hands everywhere.
You can never have enough hands.
Lifting them onto a counter or the sink in the bathroom at a crowded party.
Then opening your eyes when it's all over.
And you're right back where you were, kissing a stranger like you owe them something.
Like you love them.
You don't, and you're quite aware.
But it doesn't matter at this point.
What done is done.
And at that point you realize,
A kiss can mean everything; a kiss can mean nothing.
I'm on the computer when I'm not at work.
I always said told myself that if I had a computer in my room, I would write all the time and that I would probably attempt to write my masterpiece.
But I never did.
Don't know why.
Guess I must have just realized that I couldn't write a novel if I tried.
Anything less than that just seems trite.
Normal, everyday thoughts and the like,
Short stories about people I know or things I've done,
And things I've made up just for fun.
At the moment I just thought about why people close their eyes when they kiss.
I'm sure it's not that they don't like looking at their partner.
But they say it's creepy when you do.
Is it creepy when someone gets really close to your face and closes their eyes?
Yes.
They're probably taking a good whiff of the scent you put off.
So then, it's creepy if you close your eyes and get close to someone, and if you don't close your eyes when you kiss someone.
Fair enough.
What are people thinking about when they kiss, if not the person before them?
Don't ask me.
Are they even thinking about kissing someone?
I just don't know why you close your eyes when you kiss they way you do when you sneeze.
Your eyes aren't going to pop out of your head if you do, by the way.
Could it be instinct?
It would be awakard if both parties involved would lock eyes as they locked lips for an extended period of time.
Staring into their eyes, their souls.
Really getting inside them using your eyes and not your dick.
But of course you could use tongue for either.
I just don't know why.
It's just one of the many things we've been accustomed to see and therefore do.
When you kiss you both go to your happy together.
A place where trees glow yellow and red in the sun's reflection and Miley Cyrus' "Party in the U.S.A." isn't stuck in your head from getting constant radio play.
In fact there is no radio, because there is no need.
You have every album you could ever imagine and in mint condition.
Your favorite record is playing.
You're alone, but you're both in this together.
It's perfect in every way that a dream is.
It doesn't exist and you don't want to open your eyes.
Then both come to and pull apart.
Smiling, of course, because you see them once again.
Thinking to yourself how good its been; placing your finger on their chin.
And then it's back to reality.
A sad reality where you are no longer kissing them anymore.
Unless the kiss meant nothing.
Then, you were probably thinking about something else.
Perhaps the thought of unbuttoning their pants.
Saying something to the nature of, "I wanna fuck you so bad right now."
Hands ruffling hair; hands everywhere.
You can never have enough hands.
Lifting them onto a counter or the sink in the bathroom at a crowded party.
Then opening your eyes when it's all over.
And you're right back where you were, kissing a stranger like you owe them something.
Like you love them.
You don't, and you're quite aware.
But it doesn't matter at this point.
What done is done.
And at that point you realize,
A kiss can mean everything; a kiss can mean nothing.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
delusions of grandeur
To be that man who was once known
as a better man than the one who is shown.
The one whose presence could move a dying wind
simply by sitting there with that godawful grin.
His soothing voice hit the soft spot in your ear,
like a the shining light through a window, so clear.
He was the man of your dreams, but why did you stall?
And now he's gone forever, you must recall.
He's in the past and surely will be forgotten,
as he makes his way to such a lonely bottom.
His head was a faucet leaking love, laughter and lies.
All his secret wishes; all his world famous sighs.
So come down from those tired clouds,
get back on your feet and put your head in the ground.
as a better man than the one who is shown.
The one whose presence could move a dying wind
simply by sitting there with that godawful grin.
His soothing voice hit the soft spot in your ear,
like a the shining light through a window, so clear.
He was the man of your dreams, but why did you stall?
And now he's gone forever, you must recall.
He's in the past and surely will be forgotten,
as he makes his way to such a lonely bottom.
His head was a faucet leaking love, laughter and lies.
All his secret wishes; all his world famous sighs.
So come down from those tired clouds,
get back on your feet and put your head in the ground.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Mixed feelings. What to make of them? The story so far is anything but glamerous, but I have been enjoying myself here in Lawrence. I absolutely love it here. The enviornment, the people, the college, the sports, the bars, the girls. All of it. It's a great place to be.
Like I said it's been anything but glamerous because I've no means of income thus far and have been scraping by only by the grace of my parents who have been very supportive since they day I left home. I'm quite surprised--in a good way--that they are making the effort to help me out when I know they don't have much to give.
I missed the big extravaganza of a concert on Friday. It was Blink-182, Weezer, Taking Back Sunday and many other bands, but those were the main bands listed on the bill. It was pretty much an all day festival that started around 2, so everyone was gone by 1 P.M. Literally everyone I knew in the area was there except for me, so I had nothing to do that day and no one to hang out with. I sat at home all day. Downloaded some albums. Cooked a decent meal. Watched George Lopez. Called it a day. I didn't even go out when everyone got home. I'm not really too upset that I missed it. I was never a huge Blink-182 fan and I had just seen Taking Back Sunday this summer.
I went to the KU football season-opener against Northern Colorado on Saturday. It wasn't 'til 6 P.M. so we had all afternoon to get drunk, and did a damn good job of it. I'll admit I didn't so much like going to the game trashed. It was still good but I just wasn't there like I should have been. I'll definitely drink before the games still, just not as much. It was ridiculous though. The game was declared a sell-out a few days before gameday. The stadium holds 50,071 people and there was a record setting 52,350 people there. Most attended game in school history, pretty crazy to be a part of that. The game was a blow-out--though not the way the coaching staff envisioned it, I'm sure--with the Jayhawks coming out at the half with a 28-0 lead, for a final score of 49-3. After the game I went home, drunk and tired. I just didn't have it in me to keep partying even though it was a Saturday night.
I'm looking forward to going to see Every Time I Die w/Bring Me The Horizon, Oh, Sleeper and Architects (UK) on Thursdsay in Kansas City. It's gonna be at the Beaumont, which I like because you can smoke inside. I'm going to the show with Kelli Karlin--Rachel's younger sister--which is random as just about anything you could possibly think of. I posted something on Facebook seeing if anyone wanted to go for the umptenth time and finally she responded to it and--to my surprise--wanted to go to the show.
Ashton will be there as well, so I'm excited to see her too. I haven't see her since...prom? Wow. Has it really been two years? Fuck...I hate realizing how fast time flies.
Well anyways, that is that and that is all. I'm still unemployed and will be broke again after I go to this show but it will be well worth it.
Like I said it's been anything but glamerous because I've no means of income thus far and have been scraping by only by the grace of my parents who have been very supportive since they day I left home. I'm quite surprised--in a good way--that they are making the effort to help me out when I know they don't have much to give.
I missed the big extravaganza of a concert on Friday. It was Blink-182, Weezer, Taking Back Sunday and many other bands, but those were the main bands listed on the bill. It was pretty much an all day festival that started around 2, so everyone was gone by 1 P.M. Literally everyone I knew in the area was there except for me, so I had nothing to do that day and no one to hang out with. I sat at home all day. Downloaded some albums. Cooked a decent meal. Watched George Lopez. Called it a day. I didn't even go out when everyone got home. I'm not really too upset that I missed it. I was never a huge Blink-182 fan and I had just seen Taking Back Sunday this summer.
I went to the KU football season-opener against Northern Colorado on Saturday. It wasn't 'til 6 P.M. so we had all afternoon to get drunk, and did a damn good job of it. I'll admit I didn't so much like going to the game trashed. It was still good but I just wasn't there like I should have been. I'll definitely drink before the games still, just not as much. It was ridiculous though. The game was declared a sell-out a few days before gameday. The stadium holds 50,071 people and there was a record setting 52,350 people there. Most attended game in school history, pretty crazy to be a part of that. The game was a blow-out--though not the way the coaching staff envisioned it, I'm sure--with the Jayhawks coming out at the half with a 28-0 lead, for a final score of 49-3. After the game I went home, drunk and tired. I just didn't have it in me to keep partying even though it was a Saturday night.
I'm looking forward to going to see Every Time I Die w/Bring Me The Horizon, Oh, Sleeper and Architects (UK) on Thursdsay in Kansas City. It's gonna be at the Beaumont, which I like because you can smoke inside. I'm going to the show with Kelli Karlin--Rachel's younger sister--which is random as just about anything you could possibly think of. I posted something on Facebook seeing if anyone wanted to go for the umptenth time and finally she responded to it and--to my surprise--wanted to go to the show.
Ashton will be there as well, so I'm excited to see her too. I haven't see her since...prom? Wow. Has it really been two years? Fuck...I hate realizing how fast time flies.
Well anyways, that is that and that is all. I'm still unemployed and will be broke again after I go to this show but it will be well worth it.
Monday, August 17, 2009
3:10 to you, ma.
I had the craziest dream just now. I can't go back to sleep until I get this one out, or, at least, what's left of this vivid dream. And I mean vivid. So it should be fresh in my memory.
It started out with me and Russel Crowe in 3:10 to Yuma in what appeared to be a public area. We were at the bottom of a set of concrete stairs that seemed to lead to a train station. We seemed to be partners in crime, as he was describing our next big move with his back turned to me. He was kneeling down, putting his guns in a briefcase but before he could finish I pull my gun on him. The click of the barrel stops him dead in his tracks and he turns to look at me over his shoulder. "Do you really think you have what it takes to kill your own partner?" Without hesitation I pulled the trigger but I was out of ammunition. I quickly reach for his gun and gain possesion of it, he stares straight down the barrel without flinching. I was unsure of how to use his gun. Before I could react he slapped the side of the gun, hitting the magazine release button. The magazine hit the floor and he took off running. I chased after him and shot him in the leg, severly wounding him, but not enough to slow him down.
He left his briefcase full of weapons but I didn't care for any of his weapons, I just wanted this beautiful glass pipe that was inside of it. As I took it from the briefcase I heard a woman's voice yelling, "Don't hurt him! Don't hurt him!"
"Shit, it's my mom," was all I could think. I ran back down the stairs but the common area somehow shape-shifted itself into an exact replica of my old room. [Except the room was set up how it was when I was really young and had to share a room with my sister because our house wasn't finished yet. There was two twin-sized beds instead of my one full-sized bed.]
I quickly went to hide my guns and things under my bed and my mom walked down the stairs as I layed down on my bed. She started walking about the room picking up my dirty clothes scattered throughout and she made her way over to my bed. She knew I was up to something. She immediately searched under my bed and found nothing but dirty magazines [that I never really had to begin with], took them, and went on her way.
I must have taken a nap because I was awakened by noises coming from outside the walls of my bedroom. I looked up at my window and saw the silhouette of a man glaring right through the shades. He poked his head in, turned to me and locked eyes. While he climbed through my window, another man walked in through the front door and into my room.
I was scared shitless because I knew what this man was capable of and it didn't help that he went this far to deliver a message; strictly revenge. I asked him what they did to my mother and they began laughing histarically. They seemed amused by the fact that I would even bring that up.
"You're mother isn't home to save you, I'm sorry."
"Where did you guys take her?" I replied.
"What are you talking about, you moron? She wasn't here when we got here."
I got up out of bed and walked to my front door to check for myself. There was no sign of her vehicle. I thought, "Where the hell could she be?" I checked the time, it was 7:08 P.M. It was a Wednesday. She was at church, of course. I walked back into my room and there were several people gathered round, but this time there was also a few familiar faces. Luke Knoll, Trevino, Ed Ruiz and Jordan Ottoway were there. I tried to gain their friendship back by asking them to please help me out. I offered to give them the pipe that they came for.
"Hahaha well we're gonna kick your ass either way dude," Luke Knoll responded, but in a way that only those who know Luke and his sense of humor, when under the influence, would understand.
Jon Urban showed up to my house and played a very neutral role. He knew I was in trouble but he knew there was nothing he could do. Before I knew it, there were more and more people coming over, apparently to party at my house. I didn't invite any of these people but I couldn't really object. I figured if anything they would buy me some time to figure out how I was going to survive this hit.
It wasn't too long before the people partying in my house started to get progressively drunker. I walked around my house watching everyone to make sure everything was okay. I was a prisoner in my own home. I walked toward my room again and saw a fight break out in the bathroom, and then in my parents' room and everyone soon emptied out of my house. The mob of bad guys exited with them.
It was only me and Jon Urban left at my house. Relieved, I turned on the TV only to hear someone pull up to my house. They drove an old Econline van, much like one that my dad used to drive. As he walked up to the door I recognized his face. It was the soccer player that dated Amalee Dykes a little over a year ago. His face was all beat up and he was wearing a trench coat to keep dry from all the rain.
"Holy shit, look who it is...come in dude, come in!"
"What's up guys? You wouldn't happen to know where to get any weed would you?" he asked.
"Haha nah man, I totally just pissed off anyone who would possibly know where to get any," I replied.
He went on his way and we went back to watching TV.
"Wanna go to the mall?" Jon asked, I couldn't really think of anything else to do to kill some time so we went. We got separated as soon as we got there. I headed toward Pacsun to check out their clothes even though I hate their clothes and would never buy any of them. Jon came from the completely opposite side of the mall, I was confused but not alarmed. Pacsun was at the heart of the mall, there were no doors to it, just entrance after entrance after entrance from every which way. The clerk asked if we needed any help.
"Nothing, I want nothing," we both replied in unisin like something strange out of Fear and Loathing meets Alice in Wonderland. We walked through the store and exited out the other end, which led to the other half of the mall.
We walked into a place where they sold smoothies and I walked straight to the back and helped myself to a strawberry smoothie. The manager walked up to me and took it from my hands and asked me why I was late. I was really confused and began to make my way out and things started to become a strange hallucination. Crazy people were running around and falling into manholes that did not exist minutes prior to that. The manholes took them through the world and dropped them back on it right next to the manhole they fell in.
I fell in and all went black.
I woke up from this dream to the sound of someone knocking on the door. I ran to the door, still somewhat drunk from last night and opened it, only to find that it wasn't someone knocking. It was the massive thunderstorm that was pouring down on us early in the morning.
It started out with me and Russel Crowe in 3:10 to Yuma in what appeared to be a public area. We were at the bottom of a set of concrete stairs that seemed to lead to a train station. We seemed to be partners in crime, as he was describing our next big move with his back turned to me. He was kneeling down, putting his guns in a briefcase but before he could finish I pull my gun on him. The click of the barrel stops him dead in his tracks and he turns to look at me over his shoulder. "Do you really think you have what it takes to kill your own partner?" Without hesitation I pulled the trigger but I was out of ammunition. I quickly reach for his gun and gain possesion of it, he stares straight down the barrel without flinching. I was unsure of how to use his gun. Before I could react he slapped the side of the gun, hitting the magazine release button. The magazine hit the floor and he took off running. I chased after him and shot him in the leg, severly wounding him, but not enough to slow him down.
He left his briefcase full of weapons but I didn't care for any of his weapons, I just wanted this beautiful glass pipe that was inside of it. As I took it from the briefcase I heard a woman's voice yelling, "Don't hurt him! Don't hurt him!"
"Shit, it's my mom," was all I could think. I ran back down the stairs but the common area somehow shape-shifted itself into an exact replica of my old room. [Except the room was set up how it was when I was really young and had to share a room with my sister because our house wasn't finished yet. There was two twin-sized beds instead of my one full-sized bed.]
I quickly went to hide my guns and things under my bed and my mom walked down the stairs as I layed down on my bed. She started walking about the room picking up my dirty clothes scattered throughout and she made her way over to my bed. She knew I was up to something. She immediately searched under my bed and found nothing but dirty magazines [that I never really had to begin with], took them, and went on her way.
I must have taken a nap because I was awakened by noises coming from outside the walls of my bedroom. I looked up at my window and saw the silhouette of a man glaring right through the shades. He poked his head in, turned to me and locked eyes. While he climbed through my window, another man walked in through the front door and into my room.
I was scared shitless because I knew what this man was capable of and it didn't help that he went this far to deliver a message; strictly revenge. I asked him what they did to my mother and they began laughing histarically. They seemed amused by the fact that I would even bring that up.
"You're mother isn't home to save you, I'm sorry."
"Where did you guys take her?" I replied.
"What are you talking about, you moron? She wasn't here when we got here."
I got up out of bed and walked to my front door to check for myself. There was no sign of her vehicle. I thought, "Where the hell could she be?" I checked the time, it was 7:08 P.M. It was a Wednesday. She was at church, of course. I walked back into my room and there were several people gathered round, but this time there was also a few familiar faces. Luke Knoll, Trevino, Ed Ruiz and Jordan Ottoway were there. I tried to gain their friendship back by asking them to please help me out. I offered to give them the pipe that they came for.
"Hahaha well we're gonna kick your ass either way dude," Luke Knoll responded, but in a way that only those who know Luke and his sense of humor, when under the influence, would understand.
Jon Urban showed up to my house and played a very neutral role. He knew I was in trouble but he knew there was nothing he could do. Before I knew it, there were more and more people coming over, apparently to party at my house. I didn't invite any of these people but I couldn't really object. I figured if anything they would buy me some time to figure out how I was going to survive this hit.
It wasn't too long before the people partying in my house started to get progressively drunker. I walked around my house watching everyone to make sure everything was okay. I was a prisoner in my own home. I walked toward my room again and saw a fight break out in the bathroom, and then in my parents' room and everyone soon emptied out of my house. The mob of bad guys exited with them.
It was only me and Jon Urban left at my house. Relieved, I turned on the TV only to hear someone pull up to my house. They drove an old Econline van, much like one that my dad used to drive. As he walked up to the door I recognized his face. It was the soccer player that dated Amalee Dykes a little over a year ago. His face was all beat up and he was wearing a trench coat to keep dry from all the rain.
"Holy shit, look who it is...come in dude, come in!"
"What's up guys? You wouldn't happen to know where to get any weed would you?" he asked.
"Haha nah man, I totally just pissed off anyone who would possibly know where to get any," I replied.
He went on his way and we went back to watching TV.
"Wanna go to the mall?" Jon asked, I couldn't really think of anything else to do to kill some time so we went. We got separated as soon as we got there. I headed toward Pacsun to check out their clothes even though I hate their clothes and would never buy any of them. Jon came from the completely opposite side of the mall, I was confused but not alarmed. Pacsun was at the heart of the mall, there were no doors to it, just entrance after entrance after entrance from every which way. The clerk asked if we needed any help.
"Nothing, I want nothing," we both replied in unisin like something strange out of Fear and Loathing meets Alice in Wonderland. We walked through the store and exited out the other end, which led to the other half of the mall.
We walked into a place where they sold smoothies and I walked straight to the back and helped myself to a strawberry smoothie. The manager walked up to me and took it from my hands and asked me why I was late. I was really confused and began to make my way out and things started to become a strange hallucination. Crazy people were running around and falling into manholes that did not exist minutes prior to that. The manholes took them through the world and dropped them back on it right next to the manhole they fell in.
I fell in and all went black.
I woke up from this dream to the sound of someone knocking on the door. I ran to the door, still somewhat drunk from last night and opened it, only to find that it wasn't someone knocking. It was the massive thunderstorm that was pouring down on us early in the morning.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
anything but the truth.
Shake it out. That's what I'll do, just shake it out. This feeling. This want. This urge. This nothingness inside of me. But it's gotta be something. It's gotta mean something. It would mean the world to me if I could just find the words to get it out. Shake it out. Spit it out already.
What would you do to take it all back? Start over. Chapter one, page one. Writer's block, already? But you've just begun. This is the moment you've been dying for. This is your chance to throw it all away. Everything you've ever worked for; every mistake you've ever made.
This isn't about you and me.
This isn't about being right or wrong.
This is about living with the choices you make.
This is about the time I couldn't make up for what I did.
This is about a time.
It's about time we established a connection. I'm glad we're on the same page, but I'm afraid we haven't yet started writing the first chapter.
The audience is patient but they can only wait for so long.
Patience is a virtue I do not posess.
Scribbling furiously. This pen must make haste for I have a story to tell, and I'll tell it well.
I'll tell all of a boy whose heart was good. He understood right from wrong but still would rather sing a song than to sit and talk such foolishness. He made his parents proud for in him they found a blessing. They were understanding of this boy whose heart was filled with joy and knew better than to second-guess him. A good, young Christian boy was simply his cover up, a mere decoy. They soon found out he was not this boy they had envisioned. Their hearts were crushed by this head-on collision. They said he'd fail in a life without God and that he'd be a wreck. But he grew tired of this facade and left the restaurant without paying his check. He went along singing songs and moved on with every intention to prove them wrong. He thought he would be better off so he simply laughed and scoffed, but he should have seen this coming. He lost his all; he lost it friends. He lost his way, death was the end. His family gathered at his grave site. They exchanged words, "It'll be all right."
And so you have it. You haven't changed a thing.
You started where you left off because you love to sing.
You sang all day to block the noise coming from little girls and boys.
You sang all day because there is no wrong way to sing a song if no one knows it anyway.
You sang all day because anything sounded better than the truth.
Give me anything but the truth.
What would you do to take it all back? Start over. Chapter one, page one. Writer's block, already? But you've just begun. This is the moment you've been dying for. This is your chance to throw it all away. Everything you've ever worked for; every mistake you've ever made.
This isn't about you and me.
This isn't about being right or wrong.
This is about living with the choices you make.
This is about the time I couldn't make up for what I did.
This is about a time.
It's about time we established a connection. I'm glad we're on the same page, but I'm afraid we haven't yet started writing the first chapter.
The audience is patient but they can only wait for so long.
Patience is a virtue I do not posess.
Scribbling furiously. This pen must make haste for I have a story to tell, and I'll tell it well.
I'll tell all of a boy whose heart was good. He understood right from wrong but still would rather sing a song than to sit and talk such foolishness. He made his parents proud for in him they found a blessing. They were understanding of this boy whose heart was filled with joy and knew better than to second-guess him. A good, young Christian boy was simply his cover up, a mere decoy. They soon found out he was not this boy they had envisioned. Their hearts were crushed by this head-on collision. They said he'd fail in a life without God and that he'd be a wreck. But he grew tired of this facade and left the restaurant without paying his check. He went along singing songs and moved on with every intention to prove them wrong. He thought he would be better off so he simply laughed and scoffed, but he should have seen this coming. He lost his all; he lost it friends. He lost his way, death was the end. His family gathered at his grave site. They exchanged words, "It'll be all right."
And so you have it. You haven't changed a thing.
You started where you left off because you love to sing.
You sang all day to block the noise coming from little girls and boys.
You sang all day because there is no wrong way to sing a song if no one knows it anyway.
You sang all day because anything sounded better than the truth.
Give me anything but the truth.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
lying, tangled tongues.
The words you tried so hard to say
Crumpled as you wrote them down.
Honesty without the modesty.
A single word could end it all.
The request and the response.
But you've rolled your tongue up in a lie;
Forever caged behind your teeth.
What was that you tried to say?
Spit it out, the venom will only sting momentarily.
Let this be a reminder for the remainder of time.
I should've known not to trust you, snake.
Like Adam, I fell for the oldest trick in the (Good) book.
The heavens opened up and we were refused.
And now I must live this lie with you.
Crumpled as you wrote them down.
Honesty without the modesty.
A single word could end it all.
The request and the response.
But you've rolled your tongue up in a lie;
Forever caged behind your teeth.
What was that you tried to say?
Spit it out, the venom will only sting momentarily.
Let this be a reminder for the remainder of time.
I should've known not to trust you, snake.
Like Adam, I fell for the oldest trick in the (Good) book.
The heavens opened up and we were refused.
And now I must live this lie with you.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
we're going to hell.
It's been a good month since I've even visited my blog.
Now here I am--one month later. One month wiser, older, darker, fatter, etc...
The point is I'm here, the question is why?
...And they're off.
And they were moving so fast.
So fast--but they didn't think to stop.
You can't stop this from happening.
Sit back and watch, your friends are going straight to hell.
(No corner stores, no rest stops)
They didn't think that the wind would catch their drift and sweep them under the bed like the photographs that tell the stories you wish you would forget.
You waited too long to sing the song of salvation.
Now we sing the song of separation,
And they will live with their regrets.
I had a dream earlier today while I napped.
I layed on the couch and I was woken by my mother, who seemed to be alarmed by something. The television aired a college baseball regional game. I sat up and tried to recall this dream I just had about my friends going to hell. It was so vivid and real. I never felt more worried for the lives of my friends in my life. And I thought, why do I worry for them so? I'll worry myself to death at the rate I'm going. And then I thought, isn't it weird that I'm not always this worried about my friends? I know not everyone cares this much about other people at all times and it worries me that they don't.
Take some time to let people know how much you care about them, you never know when it'll be too late to save them from themselves.
Now here I am--one month later. One month wiser, older, darker, fatter, etc...
The point is I'm here, the question is why?
...And they're off.
And they were moving so fast.
So fast--but they didn't think to stop.
You can't stop this from happening.
Sit back and watch, your friends are going straight to hell.
(No corner stores, no rest stops)
They didn't think that the wind would catch their drift and sweep them under the bed like the photographs that tell the stories you wish you would forget.
You waited too long to sing the song of salvation.
Now we sing the song of separation,
And they will live with their regrets.
I had a dream earlier today while I napped.
I layed on the couch and I was woken by my mother, who seemed to be alarmed by something. The television aired a college baseball regional game. I sat up and tried to recall this dream I just had about my friends going to hell. It was so vivid and real. I never felt more worried for the lives of my friends in my life. And I thought, why do I worry for them so? I'll worry myself to death at the rate I'm going. And then I thought, isn't it weird that I'm not always this worried about my friends? I know not everyone cares this much about other people at all times and it worries me that they don't.
Take some time to let people know how much you care about them, you never know when it'll be too late to save them from themselves.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
mix tape
Sometimes it's the simple things in life that make me the happiest. Listening to a good album I haven't heard in a long time is up there with one of my favorite things. It's like re-discovering and falling in love with that entire album all over again. It's like I can travel back in time to that moment when I first fell in love with this album and I can remember everything about my life at that exact time in my life. Armor For Sleep's "What to do When You Are Dead" always reminds me of going to warped tour for the first time, Silverstein's "When Broken is Easily Fixed" reminds me of sitting in biology class next to Anh listening to our Sony Walkmans, Copeland's "Beneath Medicine Tree" reminds me of a time when I was totally infatuated with Ashley Taylor and everything happened as a result of that. These are just a few but I literally can name a memory for every album I used to listen to back in high school.
Driving around for no reason and listening to music is also on the list of things that make me happiest. Combine driving and listening to a CD that brings back memories and you're in for a doosy. Feelings of nostalgia return from a time when driving around with the stereo cranked as high as it would go--without blowing the speakers, of course--blaring that CD and screaming the words along to it like nothing else mattered...and it didn't. For that time, in that moment, alone or not, nothing else truely mattered. Not your college exams, not the fights you keep having your parents, not the bills you've neglected to pay, global warming--totally real, BTW--...what have you. I would throw my phone in the backseat and drive for hours because moments like these are too precious to allow any interuptions. Stop lights? Fuck 'em. Someone pulls up next to me and I'm gonna keep on rockin' out because they don't matter and I could care less if anyone thinks I'm crazy.
This makes me happy. I like writing things down even if they aren't what everyone would really want to read. Sometimes I feel like people expect me to piss excellence when I'm writing something...so it's nice to just write for the sake of writing.
I guess the only reason I'm updating is because I was listening to Brand New's "Your Favorite Weapon" and I just felt compelled to tell the world how I felt about it and I kind of got lost in that whole mix.
Have a good day.
Driving around for no reason and listening to music is also on the list of things that make me happiest. Combine driving and listening to a CD that brings back memories and you're in for a doosy. Feelings of nostalgia return from a time when driving around with the stereo cranked as high as it would go--without blowing the speakers, of course--blaring that CD and screaming the words along to it like nothing else mattered...and it didn't. For that time, in that moment, alone or not, nothing else truely mattered. Not your college exams, not the fights you keep having your parents, not the bills you've neglected to pay, global warming--totally real, BTW--...what have you. I would throw my phone in the backseat and drive for hours because moments like these are too precious to allow any interuptions. Stop lights? Fuck 'em. Someone pulls up next to me and I'm gonna keep on rockin' out because they don't matter and I could care less if anyone thinks I'm crazy.
This makes me happy. I like writing things down even if they aren't what everyone would really want to read. Sometimes I feel like people expect me to piss excellence when I'm writing something...so it's nice to just write for the sake of writing.
I guess the only reason I'm updating is because I was listening to Brand New's "Your Favorite Weapon" and I just felt compelled to tell the world how I felt about it and I kind of got lost in that whole mix.
Have a good day.
Monday, April 13, 2009
tweet tweet!
So I've joined the bandwagon of all bandwagons by creating a twitter account just this weekend. My joining this revolution has already stirred up many arguements, cat-calling, and some down-right nasty things have been said. It's okay though, now that that's all said and done with I can get on with my "tweeting" and you can all follow me on www.twitter.com/giantswan -- I know there's a way to get it on my blogger but I haven't taken the time to figure that out yet, so until then, if you would like to, you can visit my twitter page and see what randomness I'm up to on a daily basis. I'm only suggesting this because I can update that from my phone so it will be a lot more current than my blog--as you can see it's been 2 weeks since my last update--and probably more entertaining.
This is good for me I think so I don't waste your time with random posts on here anymore and I can sort things out a bit.
So be looking forward to that...or not.
This is good for me I think so I don't waste your time with random posts on here anymore and I can sort things out a bit.
So be looking forward to that...or not.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
the company, the comfort, the grave...
Things have a funny of working themselves out, and by things I mean the truth. The truth that most people seem to neglect or forget. Maybe not on purpose, but it happens, and one day it comes crawling out from the depths of the cracks in the pavement --or wherever it is 'truth' hides-- and hits you in the face the way a louisville slugger would destroy a jack-o-lantern on Halloween. The truth finally knocks everything into perspective.
Someday, in the event that mankind actually figures out what it is that this world revolves around, thousands of people are going to be shocked and perplexed to find out that it was not them...sometimes this includes me.
You realize your place in life and your place in everyone else's lives. You realize that maybe you aren't who you thought you were and maybe you aren't who you thought you were to everyone else. It's a little shocking, overwhelming really. You'd be surprised at how much you realize once it hits you. You realize that maybe you aren't the glue that was holding everyone together and that you aren't the reason that someone wakes up every morning. Maybe, just maybe, you aren't as cool as you thought you were...or maybe you aren't as irreplaceable as you thought you were. You start to realize all these things and you think, "Wow, I was so wrong about a lot of things." Congratulations. Admitting you were wrong is just the first step. Admitting to yourself that these aren't just crazed thoughts pouring from the walls of your insides due to severe paranoia. These are just facts. Facts can't be proven wrong. These are things you pick up on a daily basis. A simple gesture can tell you everything you need to know about your relationship with someone. You see it all the time, the question is: "Do you notice? Do you ever take the time to think about how you might change someone's day by simply smiling at them?" It's true. Try it sometime, you might feel like you did something good for once.
I sometimes feel like a dog. Dogs are always happy to meet new faces. Dogs trust way too easily and give their love and friendship without asking for a whole lot back. Dogs run around having casual sex with different partners and don't really make the effort to take their partner out on an official date. Sometimes dogs get put outside in the cold though. But as soon as you let them back in, they're just as happy as ever to see you...and it shouldn't be that way. Dogs should bite back and bark, "Fuck you asshole, it's cold outside and I get lonely too!"
I feel like I'm too nice sometimes. Not that being nice is a bad thing, I could just be more of a dick sometimes so people don't think I've gone soft and try to walk all over me like it's been happening oh-so-frequently as of late. I hardly ever get to be myself...my true self. People need to realize that I have feelings too and that they get hurt, whether or not I show it or let you know. People need to realize that I am taking the time out of my day to spend it with them. Don't think I have a big head or anything, I don't think that anyone should take that for granted. Too many people take spending time together for granted. I mean, I could be doing a dozen other things but I'm not...I'm here with you so, for my sake, at least pretend to be happy so I don't feel like I'm just hanging around for no reason.
I've been trying this thing lately where I hang out with all my friends, sort of evenly distributing myself amongst my friends--well, the ones I have left in town that will actually take time out of their day to spend it with me--just so that they see me less often and maybe, just maybe, they'll be a little more excited to hang out instead of seeing me everyday, 24/7 and just get used to me being around. Maybe they'll call me more often than I have to call them when I want to see them. --Like that's really gonna happen--I've conditioned people to me always being the one following everyone around. It's kinda like marriage...after the first year there's nothing new to talk about. So what's the point?
What's the point? No one reads this anyways.
I hate to be the only one having these kinds of epiphanies. I feel it would do people some good to realize things before it's too late to change anything.
Someday, in the event that mankind actually figures out what it is that this world revolves around, thousands of people are going to be shocked and perplexed to find out that it was not them...sometimes this includes me.
You realize your place in life and your place in everyone else's lives. You realize that maybe you aren't who you thought you were and maybe you aren't who you thought you were to everyone else. It's a little shocking, overwhelming really. You'd be surprised at how much you realize once it hits you. You realize that maybe you aren't the glue that was holding everyone together and that you aren't the reason that someone wakes up every morning. Maybe, just maybe, you aren't as cool as you thought you were...or maybe you aren't as irreplaceable as you thought you were. You start to realize all these things and you think, "Wow, I was so wrong about a lot of things." Congratulations. Admitting you were wrong is just the first step. Admitting to yourself that these aren't just crazed thoughts pouring from the walls of your insides due to severe paranoia. These are just facts. Facts can't be proven wrong. These are things you pick up on a daily basis. A simple gesture can tell you everything you need to know about your relationship with someone. You see it all the time, the question is: "Do you notice? Do you ever take the time to think about how you might change someone's day by simply smiling at them?" It's true. Try it sometime, you might feel like you did something good for once.
I sometimes feel like a dog. Dogs are always happy to meet new faces. Dogs trust way too easily and give their love and friendship without asking for a whole lot back. Dogs run around having casual sex with different partners and don't really make the effort to take their partner out on an official date. Sometimes dogs get put outside in the cold though. But as soon as you let them back in, they're just as happy as ever to see you...and it shouldn't be that way. Dogs should bite back and bark, "Fuck you asshole, it's cold outside and I get lonely too!"
I feel like I'm too nice sometimes. Not that being nice is a bad thing, I could just be more of a dick sometimes so people don't think I've gone soft and try to walk all over me like it's been happening oh-so-frequently as of late. I hardly ever get to be myself...my true self. People need to realize that I have feelings too and that they get hurt, whether or not I show it or let you know. People need to realize that I am taking the time out of my day to spend it with them. Don't think I have a big head or anything, I don't think that anyone should take that for granted. Too many people take spending time together for granted. I mean, I could be doing a dozen other things but I'm not...I'm here with you so, for my sake, at least pretend to be happy so I don't feel like I'm just hanging around for no reason.
I've been trying this thing lately where I hang out with all my friends, sort of evenly distributing myself amongst my friends--well, the ones I have left in town that will actually take time out of their day to spend it with me--just so that they see me less often and maybe, just maybe, they'll be a little more excited to hang out instead of seeing me everyday, 24/7 and just get used to me being around. Maybe they'll call me more often than I have to call them when I want to see them. --Like that's really gonna happen--I've conditioned people to me always being the one following everyone around. It's kinda like marriage...after the first year there's nothing new to talk about. So what's the point?
What's the point? No one reads this anyways.
I hate to be the only one having these kinds of epiphanies. I feel it would do people some good to realize things before it's too late to change anything.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Apathy is a cold body.
Well it's officially been a week since I've posted anything. Don't worry you didn't miss out on much. I've had the last 3 days off from work so I've been doing a whole lot of sleeping in and getting better acquainted with my couch...you know, just trying to find my true inner self and what not. I guess they call it "soul-searching", but I wasn't searching for anything more than a simple answer. But I don't know what I need answered. I guess maybe the fact that I don't really know what I'm doing with my life. At this stage, not a whole lot. Living week in and week out as if tomorrow will bring a greater joy.
There is no way to make up for these 20 years.
Barely able to keep the lids open.
At times I might think I need the past,
but who would want to go back there?
It's already hard enough to say I need it.
Bad memories and good times...
Keep me from believing that I can still jump off.
No longer the same.
You grow accustomed to seeing the sun in a different location.
Standing still becomes a chore.
Anxious to get the pavement moving.
The easy solution is to leave this and everything else and move on.
But they find ways to drag you along
and dismantle what you created.
Having this is not having to fend for yourself anymore.
Happiness is not having to lie on the floor dead and alone.
There is no way to make up for these 20 years.
Barely able to keep the lids open.
At times I might think I need the past,
but who would want to go back there?
It's already hard enough to say I need it.
Bad memories and good times...
Keep me from believing that I can still jump off.
No longer the same.
You grow accustomed to seeing the sun in a different location.
Standing still becomes a chore.
Anxious to get the pavement moving.
The easy solution is to leave this and everything else and move on.
But they find ways to drag you along
and dismantle what you created.
Having this is not having to fend for yourself anymore.
Happiness is not having to lie on the floor dead and alone.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Surely there had to be a way to feel okay.
The funeral for Tyler was yesterday at 11:00 A.M. at the Garnand Funeral Home. We showed up pretty much right when it was starting so we didn't even get a seat. We stood in the entranceway and listened to the service from there. The entranceway was actually really full too, so I guess if we were a couple minutes later we might not have fit inside. It was a nice service, they had (what looked like) hundreds of photographs of him up for display taken from his myspace and everyone else's who had a picture with him in it. It didn't feel right though. I couldn't bring myself to believe he was no longer going to be with us, not until we got to the burial at the Syracuse cemetery.
I didn't know what to say to anyone. Nothing seemed normal. I stared at all the faces of people I once knew very well but weren't so familiar anymore. It was awkward but nice at the same time. So many people whom I had so many things to say to, but not a word would flow past my lips. And I thought: It's sad that here, I'm reunited with all the people I used to be really good friends with and I probably wouldn't have talked to any of these people in a long time, and I know they wouldn't have gone out of their way to talk to me, if it weren't for all of us being here because our good friend Tyler died. It's sad that it takes something like this to bring people together because we don't care enough to keep in touch. It's sad that no matter hard you try things will never go back to the way they used to be. It's sad that we forget to tell people how much they mean to us until it's too late, and then you can only hope they knew all along that they meant more to you than what you lead on. It's sad that all I can do is write about this.
This song by Terminal called "Foster" has been stuck in my head all day at work. I couldn't help it and I couldn't get it out of my head. And it's making me sick.
I didn't know what to say to anyone. Nothing seemed normal. I stared at all the faces of people I once knew very well but weren't so familiar anymore. It was awkward but nice at the same time. So many people whom I had so many things to say to, but not a word would flow past my lips. And I thought: It's sad that here, I'm reunited with all the people I used to be really good friends with and I probably wouldn't have talked to any of these people in a long time, and I know they wouldn't have gone out of their way to talk to me, if it weren't for all of us being here because our good friend Tyler died. It's sad that it takes something like this to bring people together because we don't care enough to keep in touch. It's sad that no matter hard you try things will never go back to the way they used to be. It's sad that we forget to tell people how much they mean to us until it's too late, and then you can only hope they knew all along that they meant more to you than what you lead on. It's sad that all I can do is write about this.
This song by Terminal called "Foster" has been stuck in my head all day at work. I couldn't help it and I couldn't get it out of my head. And it's making me sick.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Rest in Peace Tyler Villanueva
I'm gonna miss you man. I know I wasn't the best friend you could've had but we go back a long ways. You were always laughing and having a good time, no matter what...you were such a good guy with a good heart. You were always more down than anyone I know. You always had my back even if we weren't the closest friends...but we were close enough. I know I didn't make the effort to see you that often but it wasn't because I had forgotten about you...I've just been caught up in my own shit lately. And I'm sorry for that. I wish I could tell you how much I enjoyed having you as a friend.
This isn't even sinking in right now. This isn't really happening.
I just got off the phone with Jordan Hewes, it was comforting to hear her voice and to hear that she's on the same boat as I am. It's going to be weird with him not around. I guess I'll really feel it at the funeral if I can make it. Fuck that, I'm going to make it. I didn't get a last chance to tell tyler how good of a friend he was to me.
I always seem to regret not telling people how much I care about them. That's my one regret in life so far.
This isn't even sinking in right now. This isn't really happening.
I just got off the phone with Jordan Hewes, it was comforting to hear her voice and to hear that she's on the same boat as I am. It's going to be weird with him not around. I guess I'll really feel it at the funeral if I can make it. Fuck that, I'm going to make it. I didn't get a last chance to tell tyler how good of a friend he was to me.
I always seem to regret not telling people how much I care about them. That's my one regret in life so far.
Monday, February 23, 2009
and the view from here is a brick wall.
This morning I awoke from the cushioned coils,
eyes pouring their little hearts.
It didn't feel normal waking here religiously,
thinking the same black thoughts.
As always you weren't lying next to me,
with that smirk on your face right then.
Were you giving me the images constantly flickering?
I'll take the advice passed down.
I see you on your side, bad luck.
Starlit nights I awoke from the cushioned coils,
eyes pouring their little hearts.
It didn't feel normal.
Nightmares stop reality, thinking the same black thoughts.
This is the last time
I'll be confused or compromise my emotions.
eyes pouring their little hearts.
It didn't feel normal waking here religiously,
thinking the same black thoughts.
As always you weren't lying next to me,
with that smirk on your face right then.
Were you giving me the images constantly flickering?
I'll take the advice passed down.
I see you on your side, bad luck.
Starlit nights I awoke from the cushioned coils,
eyes pouring their little hearts.
It didn't feel normal.
Nightmares stop reality, thinking the same black thoughts.
This is the last time
I'll be confused or compromise my emotions.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
loved ones.
Right now I just feel like sometimes I have nowhere to turn to when I just want someone to share the room with. Someone to keep me company. Someone to fucking humor me, for god sakes. Everyone is always doing something with someone else, except for me. I feel stranded without a car. If I had a car I would be any-fucking-where I wanted to be right now. But I don't know exactly where that would be.
That's right. Don't get ahead of yourself big guy.
I'm just sick of people ignoring my texts/phone calls because they know I probably want them to come pick me up, and to do what, hang out?
Puh-leese...I've already got plans.
I guess I'm the only one who's got nothing better to do.
I know there are two people I can pretty much always rely on being there when I need someone to hang out with, but I don't feel like crowding them when they have things to do and shows to watch. Not that they wouldn't want me over, I just don't go over on wednesday cause that's when Lost is on and I haven't gotten that far in the series.
But I guess all my other friends are too busy with other things.
Dylan's got his band practice, Luke's probably watching the KU game with his holcomb buddies, Brian and Madison have Lost, James is at the airport trying out the new italian restuarant...
That's it? That's all you can think of?
Yeah...it's not like anyone else would be remotely interested in watching the KU game with me.
Guess I can just watch the KU game at home tonight.
Probably the best idea anyways.
Yeah, you're probably right.
I'm just a little shaken up right now...I just finished reading Exit Here. by Jason Myers and I don't really know what to think about anything anymore. It was just too fucking real. It made me think so much about my life and the friends I have and how crazy our lives are and how all of it can turn on a dime.
This is exactly what I needed right now.
Sounds like you need a chill pill bro.
That's right. Don't get ahead of yourself big guy.
I'm just sick of people ignoring my texts/phone calls because they know I probably want them to come pick me up, and to do what, hang out?
Puh-leese...I've already got plans.
I guess I'm the only one who's got nothing better to do.
I know there are two people I can pretty much always rely on being there when I need someone to hang out with, but I don't feel like crowding them when they have things to do and shows to watch. Not that they wouldn't want me over, I just don't go over on wednesday cause that's when Lost is on and I haven't gotten that far in the series.
But I guess all my other friends are too busy with other things.
Dylan's got his band practice, Luke's probably watching the KU game with his holcomb buddies, Brian and Madison have Lost, James is at the airport trying out the new italian restuarant...
That's it? That's all you can think of?
Yeah...it's not like anyone else would be remotely interested in watching the KU game with me.
Guess I can just watch the KU game at home tonight.
Probably the best idea anyways.
Yeah, you're probably right.
I'm just a little shaken up right now...I just finished reading Exit Here. by Jason Myers and I don't really know what to think about anything anymore. It was just too fucking real. It made me think so much about my life and the friends I have and how crazy our lives are and how all of it can turn on a dime.
This is exactly what I needed right now.
Sounds like you need a chill pill bro.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
common existence.
Thursday's new CD "Common Existence" just came out today and I've been listening to it on repeat as I inch my way closer and closer to finishing the book I'm currently reading, exit here. It's really good and I know it's not like the best book in the world but I'm glued to it when I pick it up. I just can' wait to find out what happens next.
Anyways here's this text that stuck with me after I read it on the inside cover of Thursday's CD.
We hugged.
You asked what was happening
and I didn't tell you we were on death's program
but instead that we were going on a journey,
one more, together, and that you shouldn't be afraid.
When it left, death didn't even close your eyes.
"What are we?" you asked a week or year later,
"Ants, bees, wrong numbers
in the bit rotten soup of chance?"
"We're human beings, my son, almost birds,
public heroes and secrets."
-Roberto Bolano
Anyways here's this text that stuck with me after I read it on the inside cover of Thursday's CD.
We hugged.
You asked what was happening
and I didn't tell you we were on death's program
but instead that we were going on a journey,
one more, together, and that you shouldn't be afraid.
When it left, death didn't even close your eyes.
"What are we?" you asked a week or year later,
"Ants, bees, wrong numbers
in the bit rotten soup of chance?"
"We're human beings, my son, almost birds,
public heroes and secrets."
-Roberto Bolano
Monday, February 16, 2009
IN with the OLD
So I was looking through my older posts, as I do from time to time, and I found this and I'm really glad I did because I totally forgot about it. I remember how I felt when I first wrote this and it helped make sense of a lot of things lately.
Hope you enjoy it (if you're reading it for the first time...if you read this, ever.)
[Day one]
Asleep mid-sentence--the words fell apart.
No one is listening anyway.
This day will soon turn to black and
my "wants" and "needs" will spill on my burning ashes.
I learned to be selfish today...I learned to be alive.
These things I care for are for my personal gain
and my personal happiness only.
Why should I sit in your chair and satisfy your standards?
I've done it all before and I've confused myself a thousand times.
The tragic day that I call morality
just doesn't do it for me anymore.
No more choices, just standing in the cold.
The day will turn black and I will have either lived or died.
Asleep mid-sentence--my words fall to the ground.
Swept into this dreamland.
Economic satisfaction; never succeed.
But happiness has its place.
Justice will not lie in your corner.
New day towards death, only compassion
for my own needs make my need necessary.
[Day two]
Throw myself in the corner;
I have nothing to complain about here.
A tragic day seems too peaceful to most,
spoiled ambitions turned my heart to black.
I'm figuring out this realization process--
the process to never look upon bitter ground.
Living dreams, loving dreams...
awakening to what I've always dreamt of.
The familiar sound of the lovely laugh
from the love of my life will keep the notes coming.
Hope you enjoy it (if you're reading it for the first time...if you read this, ever.)
[Day one]
Asleep mid-sentence--the words fell apart.
No one is listening anyway.
This day will soon turn to black and
my "wants" and "needs" will spill on my burning ashes.
I learned to be selfish today...I learned to be alive.
These things I care for are for my personal gain
and my personal happiness only.
Why should I sit in your chair and satisfy your standards?
I've done it all before and I've confused myself a thousand times.
The tragic day that I call morality
just doesn't do it for me anymore.
No more choices, just standing in the cold.
The day will turn black and I will have either lived or died.
Asleep mid-sentence--my words fall to the ground.
Swept into this dreamland.
Economic satisfaction; never succeed.
But happiness has its place.
Justice will not lie in your corner.
New day towards death, only compassion
for my own needs make my need necessary.
[Day two]
Throw myself in the corner;
I have nothing to complain about here.
A tragic day seems too peaceful to most,
spoiled ambitions turned my heart to black.
I'm figuring out this realization process--
the process to never look upon bitter ground.
Living dreams, loving dreams...
awakening to what I've always dreamt of.
The familiar sound of the lovely laugh
from the love of my life will keep the notes coming.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Pain--gone.
Rain: stop.
Sun, shine.
You're mine.
Listen through the walls.
The sound of quick footsteps sneaking down the hall.
Whispers!
The pages turning, the leaky roof, the toilet flushing.
Numbers on the license plate.
Your dead things are locked up inside.
Blow smoke rings straight back in time.
Roses floating out with the tide.
Dance and sing under gunfire.
Open wings slowly take flight...
Around these parts a fly can live--
A fly can live a thousand years,
but a man cannot die soon enough...true enough.
A smiling drunk nursing a glass of milk.
A girl with a face like prison bread.
Over the kitchen noise I hear them howl at me.
A scabby ketchup bottle and a two-dollar bill.
I guess its time to pay the bill,
but you know I never will.
I'm hungry still...
Run away.
In this crowded place I could
swing a cat and not even hit a soul...
It's just the lonely vacuum of human black holes
And I'm as dry as these thirsty trees
with big city thoughts in the dirty breeze...
Promising to set me free,
"Waiter, check please."
Rain: stop.
Sun, shine.
You're mine.
Listen through the walls.
The sound of quick footsteps sneaking down the hall.
Whispers!
The pages turning, the leaky roof, the toilet flushing.
Numbers on the license plate.
Your dead things are locked up inside.
Blow smoke rings straight back in time.
Roses floating out with the tide.
Dance and sing under gunfire.
Open wings slowly take flight...
Around these parts a fly can live--
A fly can live a thousand years,
but a man cannot die soon enough...true enough.
A smiling drunk nursing a glass of milk.
A girl with a face like prison bread.
Over the kitchen noise I hear them howl at me.
A scabby ketchup bottle and a two-dollar bill.
I guess its time to pay the bill,
but you know I never will.
I'm hungry still...
Run away.
In this crowded place I could
swing a cat and not even hit a soul...
It's just the lonely vacuum of human black holes
And I'm as dry as these thirsty trees
with big city thoughts in the dirty breeze...
Promising to set me free,
"Waiter, check please."
MUCK FIZZOU
And KU loses to Mizzou 62-60 after being up by 14 points at halftime.
The refs failed to call the foul against Aldrich with 1 second left in the game that would've tied it up because everyone knows Cole Aldrich is a beast from the free-throw line. Mizzou got lucky this time, but we all know it won't matter in the long run.
I'm just having a hard time taking it in.
After we finally get ranked 16 we lose on the road to Mizzou of all teams. I'd rather get blown out by K-State any day...at least they don't really matter.
Well at least the worst is over.
The refs failed to call the foul against Aldrich with 1 second left in the game that would've tied it up because everyone knows Cole Aldrich is a beast from the free-throw line. Mizzou got lucky this time, but we all know it won't matter in the long run.
I'm just having a hard time taking it in.
After we finally get ranked 16 we lose on the road to Mizzou of all teams. I'd rather get blown out by K-State any day...at least they don't really matter.
Well at least the worst is over.
celebrator;devastator
This weekend was a great success for myself and I would like to thank everyone who helped make madison's surprise birthday a big success. I say it was a great success for myself because I pretty much felt like a wedding planner trying to make sure everything was perfect and that everyone was in the same place at the same time.
The plan was to have brian take madison to a movie while I snuck in through the side door to clean the place up (because believe me, it wasn't pretty...sorry madison) and decorate a little bit, which basically consisted of having those who showed up early help blow up ballons and vigorously rubbing them on derek's hair to create static electricity and making them stick to the ceiling (I know, we're cheap but we had to improvise). I also had jay make a big sign that everyone signed as they came. Brian's dad brought over a cake he made for madison, what a sweet guy.
By the time they got there we shut the lights off and hid and surprised the shit out of her. I'm pretty sure she had no idea even though she says she thought we were going to do something. I just feel good about the whole thing. We've never celebrated madison's birthday with a bash so I think it was about damn time. Everyone that I've talked to since then said they had a really good time and that I did a good job of planning it so I feel really good about that and I'm just glad everyone had a good time cause I sure as hell did.
Nothing else to really talk about today. Work is always the same. My friends are who they have been. I've received many compliments on my new brand new shirt (that just sounds weird). I'm gonna go eat a really old hot pocket now.
The plan was to have brian take madison to a movie while I snuck in through the side door to clean the place up (because believe me, it wasn't pretty...sorry madison) and decorate a little bit, which basically consisted of having those who showed up early help blow up ballons and vigorously rubbing them on derek's hair to create static electricity and making them stick to the ceiling (I know, we're cheap but we had to improvise). I also had jay make a big sign that everyone signed as they came. Brian's dad brought over a cake he made for madison, what a sweet guy.
By the time they got there we shut the lights off and hid and surprised the shit out of her. I'm pretty sure she had no idea even though she says she thought we were going to do something. I just feel good about the whole thing. We've never celebrated madison's birthday with a bash so I think it was about damn time. Everyone that I've talked to since then said they had a really good time and that I did a good job of planning it so I feel really good about that and I'm just glad everyone had a good time cause I sure as hell did.
Nothing else to really talk about today. Work is always the same. My friends are who they have been. I've received many compliments on my new brand new shirt (that just sounds weird). I'm gonna go eat a really old hot pocket now.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
fading colors.
I'll just keep writhing,
as I lay waiting...in the cold.
The supplement...
We've lost some friends.
We drove the bends so small.
The drive to complete ourselves has become a blurry vision.
Always wanting more.
Bettering ourselves through selfish minds.
It has started to overflow.
A current that creates this undertow.
Swimming beneath it all; left behind.
I'll just keep waving.
You'll keep misbehaving...as you unfold.
(Change for the worst)
Obsession. Obsessive. Obsessed. Abscess.
Rip out my fucking eyes.
I can't watch you grow into this.
Your tired eyes left behind...
night goggles instead of sleep.
(Change for the best)
Live life...you have all helped me break from this.
The few times relaxation steps in...
bringing me to a peaceful place.
It's a must these days, for the colors are fading.
Enclosed in a space of soothing sounds.
Waking in my own movie.
The fly by with no remembrance; constant rushing.
The waves have pushed me to where I need to be.
Sunlight drenched on my skin.
Only hearing the sounds my mind wants to hear.
Block out the rush hour; block out the tired herds.
I'll just keep waiting,
though I keep on hating...it's you I want to hold.
On the shaded side it's starting to
affect the process of your reading eyes.
The aggressive need for a hostile voice is creeping away.
This happens every year...
and like I said, the colors keep on fading.
I couldn't trade this for anything in the world...
and you are the reason.
It's been a while since we've written each other,
and hopefully this will comfort you.
'Cause unlike most of my kind, I won't take it all for granted.
But I'll just keep writing.
And I'll just keep waiting.
as I lay waiting...in the cold.
The supplement...
We've lost some friends.
We drove the bends so small.
The drive to complete ourselves has become a blurry vision.
Always wanting more.
Bettering ourselves through selfish minds.
It has started to overflow.
A current that creates this undertow.
Swimming beneath it all; left behind.
I'll just keep waving.
You'll keep misbehaving...as you unfold.
(Change for the worst)
Obsession. Obsessive. Obsessed. Abscess.
Rip out my fucking eyes.
I can't watch you grow into this.
Your tired eyes left behind...
night goggles instead of sleep.
(Change for the best)
Live life...you have all helped me break from this.
The few times relaxation steps in...
bringing me to a peaceful place.
It's a must these days, for the colors are fading.
Enclosed in a space of soothing sounds.
Waking in my own movie.
The fly by with no remembrance; constant rushing.
The waves have pushed me to where I need to be.
Sunlight drenched on my skin.
Only hearing the sounds my mind wants to hear.
Block out the rush hour; block out the tired herds.
I'll just keep waiting,
though I keep on hating...it's you I want to hold.
On the shaded side it's starting to
affect the process of your reading eyes.
The aggressive need for a hostile voice is creeping away.
This happens every year...
and like I said, the colors keep on fading.
I couldn't trade this for anything in the world...
and you are the reason.
It's been a while since we've written each other,
and hopefully this will comfort you.
'Cause unlike most of my kind, I won't take it all for granted.
But I'll just keep writing.
And I'll just keep waiting.
Monday, January 26, 2009
on letting go.
It's weird how sometimes you just can't let go. The memories you just can't shake, the ones you will probably remember until it drives you up a fucking wall trying to forget. The good times. The bad times. I find myself caught in this web of memories, wrapped up in what it used to be. What used to be my life. Who I used to be. Who my friends were. The way things were. It doesn't help that my photographic memory paints every picture so clear for me to replay over and over like a movie that never gets old. It doesn't help that I have at least 7 hours a day to kill at work to live inside these memories. Not that I'm not content with the way things are now. Things will just never be the way they used to. I guess you could say I'm not a fan of change. Never have been. Probably never will. I like my comfort zone to remain the same unless some changes need to be made.
Some memories I would like to forget, but if I did then I would be forgetting who I am and what is that brings me to where I am today.
Sew this up with threads of reason and regret so I will not forget.
I will not forget how this felt one year, six months ago.
I know I cannot forget.
I cannot forget.
I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do.
Follow me there, a beautiful somewhere.
A place that I can share with you.
I can tell that you don't know me anymore.
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget.
And being on this road is anything but sure.
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget.
I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do.
Follow me there, a beautiful somewhere.
A place that I can share with you.
So many nights, legs tangled tight.
Wrap me up in a dream with you.
Close up these eyes, try not to cry.
All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you.
I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do.
Follow me there, a beautiful somewhere.
A place that we can share.
Falling into memories of you and things we used to do.
Some memories I would like to forget, but if I did then I would be forgetting who I am and what is that brings me to where I am today.
Sew this up with threads of reason and regret so I will not forget.
I will not forget how this felt one year, six months ago.
I know I cannot forget.
I cannot forget.
I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do.
Follow me there, a beautiful somewhere.
A place that I can share with you.
I can tell that you don't know me anymore.
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget.
And being on this road is anything but sure.
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget.
I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do.
Follow me there, a beautiful somewhere.
A place that I can share with you.
So many nights, legs tangled tight.
Wrap me up in a dream with you.
Close up these eyes, try not to cry.
All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you.
I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do.
Follow me there, a beautiful somewhere.
A place that we can share.
Falling into memories of you and things we used to do.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
So I've been sick for the past couple of days...definitely not fun. I'm on some hardcore amoxicillin and hydrocodeine so I'm feel a little down and out.
I've realized I've been listening to copeland a lot more again lately...don't know what brought that up. I used to listen to them all the time like sophomore year when there was a certain someone I had fallen for. It reminded me of the time we shared. That's definitely not the case now. Oh well. Pointless observations.
KU won again last night! Go Jayhawks! That puts them at 14-4, not too shabby!
God, I cannot wait for college football to start already...
I've realized I've been listening to copeland a lot more again lately...don't know what brought that up. I used to listen to them all the time like sophomore year when there was a certain someone I had fallen for. It reminded me of the time we shared. That's definitely not the case now. Oh well. Pointless observations.
KU won again last night! Go Jayhawks! That puts them at 14-4, not too shabby!
God, I cannot wait for college football to start already...
Monday, January 19, 2009
always for you
In the air I flew,
through the clouds I fall,
through the country I've walked,
tn front of temples I've stood,
before the ocean I pray...and I said your name.
In the air I flew,
through the clouds I fall.
And all the things I've tried to say
were never easy to explain.
They were always meant for you.
And all the memories that were made.
For years and years I've chased this day.
They were always for you.
In the air I breath,
through the clouds I see,
through the cities I've walked,
in the castles I dreamed,
on the mountain I climbed when I called your name.
In the air I flew,
through the clouds I fell,
and all the things I've tried to change
were never easy to contain.
They were always meant for you.
And all the memories will never fade.
For years and years in my heart you'll stay.
It was always for you.
And all the pieces that remain,
they will build a place for us to stay.
They were always meant for you.
And all the chances that we take.
For years and years we'll have this place.
It was always for you.
Always for you.
through the clouds I fall,
through the country I've walked,
tn front of temples I've stood,
before the ocean I pray...and I said your name.
In the air I flew,
through the clouds I fall.
And all the things I've tried to say
were never easy to explain.
They were always meant for you.
And all the memories that were made.
For years and years I've chased this day.
They were always for you.
In the air I breath,
through the clouds I see,
through the cities I've walked,
in the castles I dreamed,
on the mountain I climbed when I called your name.
In the air I flew,
through the clouds I fell,
and all the things I've tried to change
were never easy to contain.
They were always meant for you.
And all the memories will never fade.
For years and years in my heart you'll stay.
It was always for you.
And all the pieces that remain,
they will build a place for us to stay.
They were always meant for you.
And all the chances that we take.
For years and years we'll have this place.
It was always for you.
Always for you.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
hard candy.
So it's hard for me to admit I'm wrong, to admit guilt, and to admit defeat. Those three things I cannot do with ease. My whole life, it's just been that way for some reason.
I didn't just have some big epiphany or anything, I've known this for a while.
And now...it's hard for me to admit that I'm admitting to all three at once.
I admit was wrong about someone. Very wrong. I thought you were someone you're obviosuly not. And I'm sure everyone else thought likewise...not that they had any reason not to. You made everyone believe your lies, including yourself.
I admit I feel guilty for what I did. Not that you wouldn't have done it, but I just didn't want it to be this way. It really wasn't a big deal, or so I thought, at the time. You really got inside my head and I don't know how.
I admit defeat because it looks like you turned the tables on me and now I've fallen for this bear trap hidden behind the rose bushes. You can go ahead and let me go know.
I didn't just have some big epiphany or anything, I've known this for a while.
And now...it's hard for me to admit that I'm admitting to all three at once.
I admit was wrong about someone. Very wrong. I thought you were someone you're obviosuly not. And I'm sure everyone else thought likewise...not that they had any reason not to. You made everyone believe your lies, including yourself.
I admit I feel guilty for what I did. Not that you wouldn't have done it, but I just didn't want it to be this way. It really wasn't a big deal, or so I thought, at the time. You really got inside my head and I don't know how.
I admit defeat because it looks like you turned the tables on me and now I've fallen for this bear trap hidden behind the rose bushes. You can go ahead and let me go know.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
when what you get is just that.
together in our finest moments; forever apart.
what have we left but to be left alone?
don't you know that a dead man gets no last wish?
that to have hope would only end in disappointment.
still he wished he felt alive.
in his last days he wrote a letter.
a letter that would never be sent; she would never know.
she waited, but he never came.
and on her gravestone, engraved:
"You promised me the world and all I got was half a block."
what have we left but to be left alone?
don't you know that a dead man gets no last wish?
that to have hope would only end in disappointment.
still he wished he felt alive.
in his last days he wrote a letter.
a letter that would never be sent; she would never know.
she waited, but he never came.
and on her gravestone, engraved:
"You promised me the world and all I got was half a block."
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